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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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LOCAL FENG SHUI EXPERT ARRESTED FOR DISORDERLY CONDUCT
Jasmin Tsunami-Williams, a local Feng Shui expert, was arrested yesterday for disorderly conduct and behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace.
The incident took place in the Island House pub in Stepney Place. The manager described the incident as "amazing". He said, "At about 8 pm this woman came in to the pub and started ranting about kua numbers and chi saying that the customers here didn’t have enough bagua areas".
"She was getting on everyone's nerves. We had no alternative but to call the police, they then arrested her".
She was then released on bail to appear before magistrates on Monday.
POPE REFUSES TO GIVE UP BUNGEE JUMPING
 Pope John Paul the Second has defied his doctors and has refused to give up his hobby of bungee jumping.
Vatican doctors have warned the bouncing pontiff that he risks injury if he continues to continue jumping.
A spokesperson for the Pope, Cardinal Vincenti Vega said, "His holiness has told us he will not give up bungee jumping, as he has given up too much of his private life on the advice of the doctors".
The Pope, in recent years, has refrained from engaging in other activities, such as, sumo wrestling(he was Vatican champion in 1995) and skateboarding.
POLICE ADMIT BEING AFRAID OF THE DARK
 In an astonishing press release, this week, local police have said that their officers are afraid of the dark.
It apparently all started a few weeks ago when one of the constables said that he might have seen the bogeyman, whilst patrolling the outskirts of the town.
Police spokesperson, L.O.L.O.L.O. Watts said, "It is a sad situation, I know, that police personnel are afraid to go out of the station at night, but the fear remains, that the bogeyman will appear again".
"They are genuinely frightened".
KEN BARLOW TO APPEAR IN NEW STAR WARS FILM
News released today from the George Lucas Organisation, is that William Roach, who plays Ken Barlow in Coronation Street, is to appear in the new Star Wars film.
The film, which will be called, "Flogging a Dead Jedi", is to be made next year at locations in the north of England and Hollywood.
William Roach will play, Obi-Wan Kenbarlo, a renegade Jedi Knight who is fighting against the mighty Trade Federation who want to steal the secret recipe for Hotpot.
Also starring in the film will be Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu and Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi.
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CATHERINE ZETA JONES WEDS FATHER JACK
 Astonishing news from the Llanelli Scar Showbiz Reporter.
Catherine Zeta Jones has had a quicky divorce from Michael Douglas and married Father Jack, one of the stars of the TV show, Father Ted.
Father Jack, who gave up the priesthood and moved away from Craggy Island soon after the sad death of Father Ted, had been dating Catherine for only a few weeks.
They married in a family only ceremony in Dublin at the weekend. A Llanelli Scar photographer was the only member of the press present.
The couple are said to be "very happy" and Catherine said that Father Jack "would make the ideal husband".
EX - IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER JOINS PLAID CYMRU
The ex - Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahhaf, has become the new media spokesperson for Plaid Cymru.
He will be responsible for all the information from Plaid Cymru in the run-up to the May Welsh Assembly elections.
A jubilant Mr Al-Sahhaf said, "I am very glad, we will win the election, no problem". Asked about the other parties, he said, "My feelings, as usual, we will slaughter them all". Including the Labour Party?, "Our initial assessment is that they will all die. We will push those crooks, those mercenaries back into the swamp".
"We have every confidence in our leader, the Conservative Party is not worth an old shoe and the Liberal Democrats, god will roast their stomachs in hell".
TOWN MAYOR CAUGHT FIDDLING
Town Mayor, Edward Skinanbones, was arrested by police last night, after falling foul of the new anti-noise laws.
After orchestrated(Groan!) complaints by neighbours about his violin playing, the police were called and immediately took Mr Skinner away along with his instrument.
A neighbour said, "It was unbearable, it sounded like a cat being strangled. He plays with his instrument most of the night. He should be ashamed of himself".
NORTH WALES MAN COLLAPSES IN TOWN CENTRE
A North Wales man collapsed in the town centre, yesterday.
He was telling a local man where he was from, when suddenly he started to choke, he then fell down.
Local man, Lewis Lewis, said, "I only asked him what town he was from and he said, 'Penrhyndeudraeth'. He then started to choke and turn blue. That’s when he collapsed. I called an ambulance, but it was too late".
This is the second such incident in the past few weeks. A special team has been set up in the town centre with breathing equipment. Local people have been advised not to ask visitors from North Wales what town they are from.
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or bigoted, is purely a coincidence.
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