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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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LOCAL POLICE DECIDE TO CATCH CRIMINALS
In a new initiative, this week, local police have announced, that from now on, their main purpose will be to catch criminals.
This startling new announcement has come as a result of much criticism by many law abiding people in the town, who have been saying that the police have been doing virtually nothing to tackle crime in Llanelli. This unprecedented change of tactics by the police is said to be a "New dawn, in policing", according to the police spokesperson, Inspector, L.O.L.O.L.O Watts.
"From now on", he said, "our main job will be to catch criminals. Our first new initiative is to appoint 'Beat Managers', to liaise with the public on matters of crime. For instance, if a person is being physically attacked, he or she will be able to phone a special number to contact a Beat Manager, who will then attend the scene of the crime, to inform them that their request for help is being processed. They will then be given a form to fill in, which will then be transferred to our main computer".
"An 'action decision' will then be made by the Beat Manager. The person who is being attacked, should hear from us within seven working days, after which, we will try to find the attacker. If the crime happens at night, then specially trained Beat Managers, who are not afraid of the dark, will attend the crime scene. This new system will be twice as quick as the old one".
"We hope this new initiative will allay the fears, that local people have about crime. We aim to reduce the numbers of crimes reported by 50% in the next two hundred years", said Inspector Watts.
TRAMP ARRESTED FOR MAKING DIRTY BOMB
Local tramp, Keith Edwards, was arrested for making a dirty bomb, today, at a shed in Marsh Street, after a tip-off from residents.
On searching the shed, police discovered a completed bomb and an unknown amount of explosives. An army bomb squad was called to the scene, where they disarmed the bomb. Mr Edwards was then taken away for questioning.
Leading the bomb squad was Major Richard Thorn, who said, "We were called to the shed in Marsh Street, where we found a bomb, which we safely disarmed. It was in hell of a state, it had no chance of exploding, it was filthy, utterly filthy. You should have seen the timer. How he thought that would set off the bomb, I don’t know. It was covered all over with dirt. It was disgusting. A totally unprofessional job. He should be ashamed of himself, making such a mess of it".
This is the second time that Mr Edwards has been arrested for making a bomb, the first time was in 1997, when he blew up a pipeline carrying bullshit from London to Wales.
GOD AND SATAN IN HISTORIC DEAL: ALL EVANGELISTS HELLBOUND
In an exclusive interview with the Scar, the Lord God Almighty has revealed that he has made a historic deal with the Lord of the Underworld, Satan, to send all evangelical and born-again christians, past, present and future, to hell, for eternity.
This unpresidented pact, between the lords of light and darkness, was agreed last week in a special summit in Limbo, between heaven and hell. The Lord God is said to be "pleased" with the outcome and Satan("call me Don"), is said to be "in hell" as a result of the deal.
In his interview with the Scar, the Lord God, explained why he agreed to send all evangelists and born-again christians to hell. "You know, after a hard days work creating some new stars and galaxies, there is nothing I like better than, relaxing in my favourite chair, with a few beers and watching the AFL(Angels Football League) games on 'Heaven Sports TV'. Then, in the commercial breaks, I get lectured by some 'holier that thou' evangelical christian, about the evils of drink and gambling. I mean, they have a nerve".
"So, after some consultation with Satan, we have both agreed, that the best place for all evangelical and born-again christians, is hell, effective immediately. This wasn't a hard choice for me, they have been getting on my nerves for some time. Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and the others, myself(my god), they are really something".
"Jesus gave me the idea to send them all to hell. That boy has got brains!".
"Satan has promised to give them all an especially warm welcome. I am pleased about that. He is not as bad as he is made out to be, you know".
ANNE WIDDECOMBE LEAVES ATOMIC KITTEN
 In a shock announcement, today, Anne Widdecombe has said that she is leaving pop group, Atomic Kitten.
Atomic Kitten, known for hits such as, "The Tide is High", "Chain Those Pregnant Prisoners" and "Asylum Seekers Go Home", have been very successful over the last few years. The rest of the group are said to be "guttted", on hearing the news.
In an exclusive interview with the Scar, sex symbol Anne said, "I am sad that it has come to this, but our musical differences were getting greater and greater. I prefer to do more 'rock' type songs and the rest prefer lighter ones. I enjoyed my time with the group, but I have to move on to better things".
"I see myself more like a female Joe Cocker. That is the type of music I shall be concentrating on, in future. I shall be releasing a single in the next few weeks. It will be my version of Madonna's, 'Like a Virgin(sew it back up)', which I hope will please my fans".
TONY MARTIN SHOOTS WINDOW CLEANER WITH BAZOOKA
There was chaos in a small Norfolk village, today, when Tony ("Rambo") Martin, who was jailed for shooting a burglar, returned, having been released from prison.
According to a witness, Elizabeth Scroat, a local window cleaner decided to do Tony Martin a favour, by cleaning the windows of his farm house, before the released killer arrived home. It was then that tragedy struck. Martin had arrived home early, saw the man, went to one of the out houses to fetch an old world war 2 bazooka and blew the hapless window cleaner to bits, with it.
Shocked neighbours rushed to the farm and witnessed a scene of carnage. "There was blood everywhere", said Mrs Scroat. "There were bits of body all over the place".
Police then arrived to take Mr Martin into custody, again. He will appear before magistrates this thursday. The window cleaner was then taken to the local mortuary in several plastic bags.
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BLAIR TELLS TRUTH - THOUSANDS DIE FROM THE SHOCK
Chaos and panic gripped the UK, today, as Tony Blair made a live speech to the Institute of Tax Dodgers. In his speech he said,
"Good Morning". Since it was morning, all hell broke loose in the meeting hall and outside, as people started running and panicking. As the news spread, emergency services were overwhelmed , as people started dieing from shock.
There were numerous accidents throughout the country as Blair’s speech was broadcast, on the radio. The worst incident was a 60 vehicle pileup on the M6 motorway. Hospitals were bursting with people who had breathing difficulties. Essential supplies of oxygen were rushed to town centres everywhere, as more people heard the speech.
A spokesperson for the UK health authorities said, "People have been dropping like flies, everywhere. Hospitals are at breaking point. There has been total panic".
The latest news, is that, a state of emergency has been declared and from 12 noon martial law will be in force. People are advised to stay in their homes, keep their windows closed and to switch off their TVs and radios, to enable the spread of the news to be contained.
Rumours that a herd of cows were slaughtered, because they had been exposed to the speech by having a radio in their shed that the farmer had placed there, to calm them, have not been confirmed. Other rumours that Goldman Sachs stockbrokers in the Canary Wharf district of London, started panicking and forgot to sell their shares in a collapsing US company, before an official bankruptcy announcement, were denied by a spokesperson.
GIANT LOBSTER TERRORISES TOWN
 Llanelli was in a state of terror, at the weekend, when a giant lobster caused havoc in the town.
The lobster, which was caught by a local fisherman, was being transported from Swansea Market, where it had been on display, to an aquarium in Tenby. It broke free from a specially converted vehicle on the M4 motorway, near Hendy and made it's way on the link road to the town centre.
"Lucky", as the lobster was named by the market stall owner in Swansea, then terrorised shoppers in the town, as it waved it's huge claws around. Eventually, it was cornered in Peoples Park, where local cafe owners had placed(Groan!) a giant saucepan full of boiling water.
The next step was to tempt "Lucky" into the pan. There was much discussion by all the local people, that had congregated in the park, by this time. A person was called for, to act as a decoy, while others placed a net over the lobster. The unanimous decision by the crowd, was for local mayor, Muriel Chippings, to act as the decoy.
The crowd then threw the net, first, over the reluctant mayor, then when "Lucky" came after her, threw the net over the lobster. A crane then winched the lobster into the pan. A shaken but relieved, mayor said, "This has been a warning to any crustacean, wishing to cause chaos in Llanelli. Carmarthenshire Council will not tolerate it".
There were great celebrations in the town, when it was announced that the lobster meat would be distributed, especially in the Old Road and New Road area, where residents starved of lobster, since the Labour Government were elected in 1997, displayed union jacks in the windows of their houses.
JEFFREY ARCHER LAUNCHES NEW WEBSITE - LIARS REUNITED
 "Lord of the Lies", Jeffrey Archer, who was released, this week, on parole from a four year jail sentence for perjury, has announced that he has launched a new website - "Liars Reunited".
Archer, bon viveur, man about town, wealthy tosser and other clichés is said to be "Amazed", at the response of people who have registered at the website, to swap lies and find old friends, who are also liars.
"It has been a huge success, so far", said Lord Archer, "we have already had 50 people register, who claim to have scored the winning goal in the 1972 FA Cup final. We have also had, 43 people claiming to have found WMDs in Iraq and one even claimed to be, Iain Duncan Smith, the next Prime Minister. He must be a superb liar to claim that".
"I am disappointed, though, that only 2 people have claimed to be friends of mine. That must be wrong. I have many more friends than that, who are liars".
ANGLICAN CHURCH VOTES TO CONTINUE BURNING CATHOLICS
 At a meeting of the Anglican Church Synod, at the weekend, traditionalists won a vote to continue the burning of Catholics at the stake.
This widely predicted result has come as a shock to the more modern thinking members of the church. The vote comes as the tradition of burning is being widely criticised, not only by some members of the church, but by Greenpeace, who claim that the burning is contributing to the "Greenhouse Effect", whereby the gases produced by burning, are weakening the ozone layer and heating the planet.
A spokesperson for the modernisers, said, "It is unbelievable in this day and age that this practice is still sanctioned by the Anglican Church. We believe there are more appropriate methods of punishing heretics, which will be more environmentally friendly".
Reacting to criticism of the vote to continue the burning, traditionalist Bishop Walters, said, "We see no reason not to continue this trusted traditional method of punishment. There is nothing like a nice warm Catholic fire, especially during the winter months. It has always been the church's way of showing the heretics the error of their ways".
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