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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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PHEW! WHAT A SCORCHER
The summer heatwave continued, this week, with Wednesday being the hottest day recorded in Llanelli. Temperatures soared to the high 60s Fahrenheit, the hottest since 1984.
The hot weather has been welcomed by the town's tourism department and businesses, but warnings have been issued by doctors at the local hospital, about the effects on people.
A spokesperson said, "People should be very careful about going outside, in this hot weather. They should not remove their overcoats and gloves unless extremely necessary. We have already had people admitted to the hospital suffering from hypothermia, after they removed their scarves for half an hour".
The hot weather has even melted the ice on the lake in Sandy Water Park. The high temperatures are good news for the people in the town who are normally effected by frostbite in the summer months, but bad news for the makers of storm-proof clothing, who are considering making most of their workforce redundant, if the hot weather continues.
The current heatwave is expected to last for another few weeks, leading to claims that global warming is creating chaos with the weather.
US FORCES CAPTURE MAN WHO SHOOK HANDS WITH SADDAM
 US forces in Iraq have announced that they have captured a man who shook hands with Saddam Hussein, during the 1980's.
Spokesperson for the elite unit who captured the man said, "This is a big break for us. We have been trying to capture this dangerous person, since the end of the Iraq war. The man, who answers to the name of 'Donald Rumsfeld', is a known associate of Saddam Hussein. They met and shook hands shortly before Saddam used chemical weapons, such as mustard gas, against Iranian soldiers in the Iran-Iraq war".
"I know some people say that he old, decrepid and has a memory loss problem, but he still is a big danger to coalition forces in Iraq and the Iraqi people. That is why we launched the operation to capture him".
Rumsfeld, the 'Queen(only a rumour)of Diamonds' in the 'most wanted' pack of cards issued to coalition forces, is to be interrogated about weapons of mass destruction and the use of them.
US forces are confident, that he will lead them to buried WMDs, most of which are in the USA.
DAILY MAIL SAYS BLAIR MURDERED DR KELLY
The Daily Mail has alleged that government WMD scientist Dr David Kelly, was murdered by Prime Minister Tony Blair. This differs from earlier reports, which said that Dr Kelly had committed suicide.
Daily Mail reporter, Simon Bullock, said last night, "We have conclusive proof that Dr David Kelly was attacked in a field near his home by Tony Blair and number ten spokesman, Alistair Campbell. While Mr Campbell held Dr Kelly down, the Prime Minister slashed the scientist's wrists".
"We have a written statement from a passing tory politician motorist that confirms this story. We call on the Prime Minister to immediately resign and to call a general election. We also, call on the police to arrest every Labour Party member and voter. They are also guilty. If it wasn't for them, Tony Blair would not have been elected. They should all be imprisoned".
"Only then can we have a decent government again, who have the interests of the rich people of the country, as their main concern. We need a government that can be bought trusted".
These latest revelations come as the Hutton inquiry into Dr Kelly's death opened this week, in London.
"HOW MANY F****** DOORS HAS THAT CAR GOT?"
There was a nasty incident in New Road, this week, when residents were disturbed by an inconsiderate driver and his passengers. The driver and his passengers, who were visiting another resident, were allegedly slamming the car doors continuously, to the annoyance of other residents.
Roger Mason, who has lived in New Road for the past sixteen years told the Scar, "I have never heard anything like it. All I could hear was, car doors being slammed for about ten minutes. I had a look out the window and the car in question only had four doors. By the sound of it, I thought it had at least twenty. I was amazed at the people's behaviour. I mean, how many times do you need to close a door?".
"I then opened my window and shouted to them, 'How many f****** doors has that car got'. Needless to say I got no reply. It is a disgraceful situation, being disturbed by these ignorant people. Something must be done".
Spokesperson for the Police, Inspector L.O.L.O.L.O. Watts told the scar, "We urge all car owners and passengers to be considerate in their actions, when entering and leaving their vehicles. We will not tolerate this sort of behaviour". Asked, by the Scar, what the Police will do to stop these incidents, he said, "Errrrrrm, we are looking in to it".
There have been many similar incidents in the town, lately. The cause is being blamed on the new government driving test, which includes high marks for those who pose with one hand on the steering wheel and one hand on the car door and those who drive with their car stereos at top volume.
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LOCAL AUTHORITY I.T. DEPARTMENT DENIES NEPOTISM
After complaints by local job seekers, a local authority I.T. department has been forced to answer criticisms, that it only employs people who are related to each other, or people who know current employees.
"It's rubbish", said department employee, Jim Thomas, "we always employ people who are the best at their job. Isn't that right, uncle Terry? I mean Mr Wilkins". "Yes, that has always been the case", said Mr Wilkins.
Another employee that was asked about the complaints said, "I don't know what the job seekers are moaning about. Everybody who is qualified has the same chance of getting a job here. Isn't that right, Dad? ummm David". "I agree, with my son, I mean Brian", said David. "There is no nepotism here at all. You can ask the head of the Human Resources department cousin Jackie, I mean Mrs Slattery. She will confirm everything we have said".
HI HONEY I'M GNOME
 Local businessman, Denzil Williams, has revealed that he will be having pioneering cosmetic surgery, to make him look like a garden gnome.
Mr Williams told the Scar, "I have always admired garden gnomes, ever since I was a boy. It has always been my ambition to have cosmetic surgery to enable me to look like one. Now, thanks to a new technique, I can fulfill my dreams".
"It has been a long hard struggle, for many years, to convince the doctors to perform this operation, but at last, we are on the gnome stretch".
The operation, which will cost over £15,000, will be carried out by a team of specialists from London. Spokesperson for the team, Dr Mahmood Sirhar, said, "With this new technique the operation will be successful. We expect Mr Williams to be in hospital for two weeks, then he can go back to 'gnome sweet gnome' (groan!)".
Mr Williams has already had goodwill messages from others, such as Robin Cook, who had a similar procedure done many years ago.
Financing the costly operation has been difficult, but Mr Williams has had a grant of £10,000 from the gnome office to help him. This has been due to the relaxation of what is deemed necessary surgery, forced by the government's defeat in the courts, when they tried to refuse help to Iain Duncan Smith, who wanted surgery to make him look like human being.
CALIFORNIAN DEMOCRATS SEND TERMINATOR BACK IN TIME TO STOP ARNIE BEING BORN
Californian Democrats have announced that they have sent a Terminator back in time to stop Arnold Schwarzenegger from being born.
This drastic action has been taken after movie star Arnold announced that he is running for the post of Governor of California, following the decision to go ahead with the recall vote in the state. Silicon Valley Democrats got together, this week, with present Governor, Gray Davis, to send a Terminator back in time. It will be sent back to Graz, Austria in the year 1947, with specific instructions to sterilize his mother and father, by using a gamma-ray gun. Thus preventing Arnie from being born('Hasta la vista baby').
It is hoped that Arnie's parents, Aurelia and Gustav Schwarzenegger, will not suffer any other long term effects after this procedure.
Democrats hope that this event will not affect the history of the world since 1947, too much. Spokesperson, Richard Martinez, said, "All that the world will miss is a few Terminator films. I don't think anybody will miss 'Kindergarten Cop' or the phrases 'I'll be back', 'Ich habe einen sehr kleinen pimmel', or other such sayings".
There are unconfirmed reports that another Terminator has been sent back in time to stop the first one. There are rumours that it has been sent by Cyberdine Systems, which is part of the Bechtel/Carlysle Group of companies.
US FORCES CAPTURE CHEMICAL OLI
 US forces in Iraq have announced that they have captured one of Saddam Hussein's top henchmen, "Chemical Oli", at a farm in the north of Baghdad.
Oli, real name Mustapha Notherone, who is number five on the United States' list of the 55 most wanted Iraqis, was reported to have died in a coalition attack on Basra in April. He is best known as the man behind the gassing of Kurdish villages in the 1980's as well as brutally subduing the uprising in the south of Iraq after the first Gulf war.
Since that time, he gained the name, "Chemical Oli" for using chemical weapons and his addiction to his favourite drink, metabioxidental phosphate and orange juice.
Oli, a respected family man and cluedo champion, is expected to stand trial for war crimes, human rights abuses and for using chemical weapons without US permission. A minor charge of crop spraying without a license has been dropped.
Editor's note: I will have to buy a hearing aid for this reporter.
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This is a satire website. Any story that seems connected
to allegations against the stupid, ignorant, evil, greedy
or bigoted, is purely a coincidence.
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