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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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CARMARTHENSHIRE NHS TRUST SAYS "LLANELLI HOSPITAL A&E MUST CLOSE"
Carmarthenshire NHS Trust have announced that Llanelli hospital's Accident and Emergency department will be closed soon, forcing Llanelli people to travel 20 miles to the nearest department.
Speaking to the Scar, yesterday, trust chairman, Colonel Stuart Farquar, said, "This regrettable decision has been taken in the interests of all the people in Carmarthenshire. The NHS in Wales faces some tough decisions in the next few years, despite the record amount of money being invested in the service".
"I know this will be a great disappointment to the people of Llanelli, but we feel that if this action is not taken now, the Glangwili West Wales General hospital in Carmarthen will have no chance of applying to be a foundation hospital or similar independent status, when there is a tory government again."
"The only prospect of Glangwili being awarded foundation status, is if services are cut in Llanelli and moved to Carmarthen. That's why it is essential to the people of Carmarthenshire, that the Accident and Emergency department closes and that this is the first step to further cuts".
"This has been a difficult announcement to make, by the trust, but the people of Llanelli can rest assured that nobody on the board of the trust will be effected by the cuts in services. We all live near Carmarthen".
ANOTHER BOMB IN IRAQ - LEGALLY BLONDE 2 SHOWN IN BAGHDAD CINEMA
For the first time since the War finished, a cinema in Baghdad has started showing movies again, with the help of US forces.
Legally Blonde 2, starring Reese Witherspoon and Sally Field was shown at the weekend to a less than enthusiastic Iraqi audience. "It stunk", said local man Sahid Abbas, "the story was totally unbelievable. I mean, how could anybody believe such rubbish. What do the Americans think we are - idiots. Give us Bruce Willis films, that is the sort of movies we like".
US forces spokesperson, Major Tom Lustikov said, "It is a proud day for Iraq. I know they haven't got any clean water to drink or electricity, but we have shown them what is great about American culture, here today. It is something the whole of Iraq can aspire to. There have been some criticism from some quarters about the choice of movies, but who knows, there may be some starring Tom Cruise shown here in a few months, if things go well".
As well as the reopening of the cinema, there were rumours that a Burger King outlet serving camel burgers will be opening soon, so that the Iraqi's can get another opportunity to sample American culture.
PRESIDENT BUSH SAYS "WOMEN MORE LIKELY TO GIVE BIRTH THAN MEN"
Speaking at a pro-death rally in Richmond Virginia, organised by Clear Channel, President George W Bush said, "I will be setting up a group of prominent people to look into why women are more likely to give birth than men".
"In this day and age it is important to find out all the mysteries of the human body and this is why I shall appoint these people under the leadership of Vice President Cheney to find out the reasons, why this is so".
"Under this administration, we have always endeavoured to hand out soft jobs delegate challenging tasks to the rich people who can shaft best serve their country".
It is rumoured that one of the appointed people will be, Eva Braun look-a-like, Anne Coulter, a prominent speaker on this issue. The issue was first raised in the media, especially by Fox News, who under pressure from viewers devoted at least three minutes to this puzzling problem.
TOMATO-HEAD VIRUS SPREADS TO UK
 The dreaded Tomato-Head virus, which many had believed to be extinct, finally spread to the UK, today.
The virus, which first resurfaced in Spain a few months ago, is thought to have spread to the country by means of food smugglers. The outbreak of Tomato-Head has been confined to the town of Chichester in Sussex. Seven people have been affected, so far and two men have died.
Government scientists believe the new strain of virus might be linked to the development of GM foods. Concerns have always been raised about the long term effects of such "Frankenstein Foods".
The five surviving affected people in Chichester are said to be, "as well as can be expected in such circumstances", according to the area's Chief Medical Officer, Richard Tompkinson who said today, "We are under tremendous strain, fighting this virus. We are using all the medical services at our disposal. Unfortunately, we expect the virus to spread further. There has been one tragedy, where the wife of a virus sufferer sprayed weed killer on the unfortunate man's head. This, of course, only made things worse. His head shriveled up in minutes and he died".
Hopes of a breakthrough to stop the spread were dashed, when local police panicked and started beating the head of a virus sufferer, spreading the deadly virus even further.
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ROSS PEROT TO STAR AS GOLLUM IN NEW LORD OF THE RINGS
 Former US Reform Party Presidential candidate and boss of EDS, Ross Perot has been chosen to star as, Gollum, in the forthcoming Lord of the Rings film, "Bilbo And His Fiery Ring".
The diminutive Texan was chosen by the film's director, Peter Jackson, who was disappointed at the performance of the computer graphics generated Gollum in the previous Lord of the Rings film. Speaking to the Scar Jackson said, "We were not happy at the overall appearance of Gollum, so we decided to look for a human replacement for the new film. My american assistant immediately thought of Ross Perot. So I contacted him and he said yes, straight away".
Mr Perot said, "I am very pleased to serve my country again, in any capacity. This is a great honour and I shall do the job to the best of my ability".
In the story of Lord of the Rings, Gollum, Hobbit of the Stoor family and keeper of the One Ring, used the ring for invisibility, unaware of its great power and malevolence. It transformed him into a distorted creature of considerable wretchedness. So, Mr Perot seems like a good choice.
ALASTAIR CAMPBELL SPINS OUT OF NUMBER 10
 The government's chief "Spin Doctor", Alastair("It wasn't me")Campbell, has resigned.
Campbell, who has been under increasing pressure since he was accused of "sexing-up" the case for war in Iraq, has said that he wanted "to get a life back for me and my family".
"I think it is time for me to go. I have no regrets over the Iraq dossier, I still think Saddam Hussein was a threat to Israeli and US oil company interests the world. There was no 'sexing-up' of the evidence for war, the photos of topless models in the dossier were fully justified".
"The publishers of the dossier, Playboy Enterprises, assured me that the information in the dossier, was exactly the same as what the government gave them, with no changes. We did not include anything that would be seen as the truth suspect".
"I regret the death of Dr David Kelly, but I can feel sure that I did not do anything to pressure him. The fact that I posted his photo on every street corner in London, with the words, 'Wanted - Dead or Alive' underneath, had nothing to do with his suicide, nothing at all. It is an absurd suggestion".
Alastair Campbell first came to prominence when he was a spokesman for, "Conservatives For Labour", in the 1980's. He then helped Labour Party leader, Tony Blair, to write the book, "Why We Must Learn To Love Rich People". He was then appointed Labour government press secretary in 1997, when the party gained power.
ARIEL SHARON POSES FOR AMERICAN ENTERPRISE INSTITUTE CALENDAR
The American Enterprise Institute has announced that Israeli Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon, has posed for their 2004 calendar.
This astonishing event was brought about by some of the Institute's members, such as Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz and Lynne V. Cheney wife of the US Vice President, who had been in contact with Mr Sharon for some while, trying to persuade him to pose.
Spokesperson for the Institute, William Kristol, said, "We have been busy over the last few months, pleading with Ariel Sharon to honour us by posing for our 2004 calendar. He eventually agreed and the photo shoot took place a few weeks ago, when he visited the US".
"We see this as another bond that binds the Israeli people and ourselves. Mr Sharon is a beacon of hope to all of us who value freedom in the world. He was the natural choice to have on our calendar".
Whether this move by Ariel Sharon to soften his image as a "Warmonger", will help the peace process, or just make Palestinian President Yasser Arafat, jealous, remains to be seen. A Hamas spokesperson has already promised, "not to rest until every calendar is burned".
Rumours that Osama Bin Laden is to pose for Playboy, were strenuously denied yesterday, by publisher Hugh Hefner.
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