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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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BIN LADEN MAKES PACT WITH THE BORG - NOW WE ARE F***ED!
 According to reports from Arab news TV station, Al Jazeera, Al-Qaida leader Osama Bin Laden, has made a pact with the universe's most dreaded species, the Borg.
Bin Laden, who has eluded efforts to find him, has in fact been in secret negotiations with the Borg on one of their spaceships over the last few months. His purpose is to widen the war on the west to include interplanetary co-operation between outlaw groups.
The dreaded Borg have decided to join Al-Qaida in their efforts to destroy America and the UK. The Borg, who leave total devastation in their wake, have been planning America's destruction ever since one of their drones was defeated in the Wimbledon tennis tournament in 1981.
On hearing the news, a spokesperson for the US government said, "Now we are f***ed. Head for the hills!".
MADONNA SHOCKS FANS BY HAVING A QUIET NIGHT
IN Material girl, Madonna, has shocked her many fans, by having a quiet night at home with husband, Guy Richie and her son, Rocco.
The Diva of Debauchery has spoken exclusively to the Scar about this shocking new incident in her depravity filled life.
"So Madonna, what made you have a quiet night in. Was it the drugs or the drink?".
"It was neither. I just thought I would have an evening at home with my family. Watch a video. Stuff like that".
"What about the reported naked cavorting?".
"That was just my son, Rocco, running around while we were trying to change his diaper".
"A likely story. So there was no lewd behaviour and nothing involving a donkey?".
"Nothing at all. Don't you understand. I just wanted to be with my family at home, with no distractions".
"So, no drink and no drugs?".
"None, except the cough medicine that my husband Guy has been taking. He is sounding terrible".
"Will you be doing this vile act again?".
"No not tonight. It is dungeon night at my local club. I shall have to go now, I have to oil my whip".
POT NOODLE SHORTAGE CAUSES RIOTS IN MANCHESTER
There were riots in Manchester, this week, when the shortage of Mancunians favourite food - Pot Noodle, was exacipated, when a distribution warehouse burned down. Riot Police were called in from four counties, to deal with the situation.
The shortage, which has lasted for the past few months, was originally caused by a strike at the Pot Noodle factory in Worksop. Since then, desperation has set in amongst the people of Manchester. Whole areas of the city are now in the grip of starvation.
All this has led to feeling, amongst the population, that the rest of the country has forgotten it's plight. The riots that took place are only one result of this alienation.
A spokesperson from Manchester City Council told the Scar, "This is a desperate situation in the city these last few months and I think these riots are just the start of something more serious. People have been at their wits end, with the lack of Pot Noodle in the shops. The government must do something soon, even if it means bringing back cup-a-soup".
MYFANWY THE SHEEP VOTED WELSH PERSONALITY OF 2003
 Baaaaaaad news for all the famous Welsh celebrities, such as Sian Lloyd, Tom Jones and Rhodri Morgan, Myfanwy the sheep has been voted Welsh personality of 2003 by the readers of the Western Mail and viewers of BBC Wales.
Myfanwy, who lives on a farm near Carmarthen, was the overwhelming choice to win the award. Her owner, farmer Roger Dem-All, is said to be overwhelmed and very pleased that his prize sheep has had such recognition.
"I never thought that when I nominated her for the award, she would get it", said Mr Dem-All. "It is astounding, but I am not surprised. Myfanwy is the best sheep I have ever reared(Editor: What?). She has been so special to me over the last few years, ever since my wife divorced me. I am a very proud man".
Myfanwy will be presented the award at a special gala evening at the Ivy Bush Hotel in Carmarthen, next month. Attending the ceremony will be famous Welsh people such as, errrrmmm, somebody out of Welsh TV soap, Pobl Y Cwm and Tory Welsh Assembly Member, Nick Bourne.
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JOHN PRESCOTT REPLACED BY COFFEE MACHINE
The UK government has announced that Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott, is to be replaced by a coffee machine.
Spokesperson for 10 Downing Street said today, "John Prescott is to be replaced by a coffee machine. This decision was made during a meeting of the cabinet, yesterday. We have come to the conclusion that although Mr Prescott has done a great job since 1997, we feel that it is in the best interests of the government and the country, that he be replaced".
"The unanimous verdict of the cabinet meeting, was that Mr Prescott should be thanked for all the work he has done for the country and that something more useful be appointed Deputy Prime Minister. It was therefore decided to appoint a coffee machine to the post".
"All those present at the cabinet meeting were happy at the new choice and they all expressed the opinion that the new Deputy would be more successful in government than the old one".
On hearing the outcome of the meeting John Prescott said, "Who the f**k do they think they are? What sort of namby-pamby middle class s***s are those people. If they think they have f***ing heard the last of this, they are f***ing mistaken. Replaced by a coffee machine, they must be f***ing off their f***ing heads! I'll f***ing show them, the cappuccino drinking t***s. B******s!".
RUMSFELD FAILS TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION
 On a visit to the UK, US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, failed to make a good impression, in front of an audience which included, Tony Blair.
Rumsfeld was attending a gala dinner, in his honour, at the Guildhall in London. When his turn to speak came, he put a fez hat on his head and did an excruciatingly bad impression of the late great comedian, Tommy Cooper.
Shocked and outraged dinner guests, booed and heckled the American. One said, "To think that he had the audacity to give such a terrible impression. He should be ashamed of himself". Another said, "My god, is this what America has come to. What next? Colin Powell doing an impression of Benny Hill?".
This is the latest gaffe by Donald Rumsfeld. Last week he announced that Oxfam were linked to Al Queda. He has also asked President Bush to add Scotland to the list of axis of evil countries.
BLAIR DECLARES PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN A TERRORIST ORGANISATION
British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has declared the Pirates of the Caribbean, a terrorist organisation, in an announcement today.
The decision was taken to add the Pirates to the list of organisations deemed to be active in terrorism, in a meeting between the security services and the government. The meeting's task was to find new ways of frightening and distracting the population, so that people will be less likely to question the Iraq war and less likely to notice the deterioration of public services, such as schools and hospitals.
A government advisor on terrorism, A. Sharon, said, "This decision was a necessary step to ensure the safety of the British public. There are definite links between the Pirates and Al Qaeda. We will not be intimidated by any organisation who wants to obtain it's aims by terrorism".
The Pirates releases a statement, which was broadcast by Arrr Jazeera television. In it they said, "Arrrr, Blair be a scurvy dog. He shall be keelhauled and left for the crows to feast on his eyes. Arrrrrrrr".
EIGHTIES NIGHT GOES TOO FAR
 There was chaos at the local pub, the Tart and Beckham this week, when an "Eighties" theme night got out of hand.
Pandemonium ensued when one of the guests, who dressed up as a policeman, started to beat-up some ex-miners who were present. Tables were demolished and glasses broken as the fight spread to most of the pub.
"I have never seen anything like it", said pub landlord Dai Eventually, "It was like a scene out of a movie, there was chaos everywhere. The barmaid, who is Spanish, was thrown out of a window by people who were shouting 'remember the Falklands'. They must have thought she was Argentinian".
"Other people started demolishing a pub wall because it looked like the one they had in Berlin. It was sheer terror for onlookers. They were scared stiff".
After things calmed down, ten people were arrested on public order offenses, with a further twenty receiving police cautions, mainly because of having horrible permed hair. The ringleaders, as befits an "Eighties" night, were made unemployed, then sentenced to life imprisonment, only to be found innocent on appeal.
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