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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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NEW MEGA-STORE OPENS
 The long awaited opening of the new mega-store, "Vest World", took place at Trostre retail park this week.
Crowds queued for hours waiting to pick up some opening day bargains. "Vest World" promises to be one of the main attractions at Trostre in the coming years, with shoppers from all over Wales looking for that "special vest".
Manager, Tim Yaw, told the Scar, "It has been bedlam here all day. We have been shocked at the number of vests that have been bought by Llanelli people. This has been a fantastic day for us and we hope to be serving the vest needs of the people of Llanelli for many years to come. Generally, all the shoppers have been happy with their purchases, but we have had some complaints from Felinfoel people about the holes in the string vests. We explained to them that they were designed like that".
"Vest World" is the latest retailer to come to Llanelli as part of Carmarthenshire County Council's pro-shopping agenda. Their leader, Muriel Chippings told the Scar, "It is a proud day for Llanelli and the Council. This is only the beginning, we hope to announce that another big retailer will be moving here, soon. It just depends how much money they will offer us, the Council, I mean".
DONT ELECT ANOTHER BALDY
 Advisors to the Conservative party have pleaded with members and M.P.s not to elect another follicly challenged leader.
This statement to the party was made after Iain Duncan Smith lost a confidence vote among M.P.s after weeks of rumour and arguments.
The unnamed advisors stated that the party needs a leader with a full head of hair, if they are to have any chance of winning the next election. The last two leaders, Iain Duncan Smith and William Hague were unfortunately lacking in this aspect. There were even rumours that Margaret Thatcher was bald as a coot and wore a wig. The only Conservative leader in the last 30 years to have hair was, John Major. Although his was thought to be knitted to his head.
The front runner to become next leader of the Conservatives is thought to be Llanelli born, Michael Howard, who has some hair, but not enough, say experts. Suggestions that Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen might be persuaded to enter the contest for the leadership, have been denied by party officials.
LLANELLI MOTORIST ACCUSED OF STOPPING AT RED LIGHT
 A motorist is being seached for, this weekend, accused of stopping at a red light.
The incident, which occurred at the crossing near the junction of West End and Goring Road at 5.45 PM on Saturday November 30th, is said by the Police, "The most obnoxious incident we have had to deal with in years. We have no idea what the person thought they were doing. They could have inconvenienced other motorists considerably".
The motorist, who cannot be named for legal reasons, is thought to be a woman in her early 30's from the Pwll - Burry Port area. Police would like to speak to anybody who witnessed the incident, especially the three passengers who were traveling in the car, at the time.
A Police spokesperson denied reports that on the same day motorists were seen not driving into the bus - only bus station.
Similar incidents around the country have added to the calls for the government to bring in an intelligence test for those applying for driving licenses.
BUSH HAUNTED BY GHOST OF PERCY THROWER
President George W Bush in his state visit to Ingerlund, last week, told reporters that for the past year he has been haunted by the ghost of ex-BBC gardener, Percy Thrower.
Bush revealed how Percy's ghost has visited him in the early hours of the morning, warning him of the consequences of his aggressive foreign policy and invading Iraq. The haunted President said that Percy warned him that he will pay a high price for his folly, especially if there is a hard frost this winter.
Percy Thrower hosted gardening shows on the BBC for many years. He even had a hit record in 1979 with, "Hit me with your digging stick". In 1988 Percy was tragically murdered by vandals who attacked the Blue Peter garden in which he was working.
This is not the first time a head of state has been haunted in such a way. Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has been haunted by the ghost of the "Shake and Vac" woman, for many years.
BOTANIC GARDENS SAVED
The National Botanic Gardens at Llanarthne in Carmarthenshire have been saved.
The future of the gardens, which have been in a financial crisis for many months, was finally settled this week. The most serious concern was how to pay to heat the giant glass dome over the winter months. It is now going to be heated for free, using hot air provided by Carmarthenshire County Councilors and Welsh Assembly Politicians.
A spokesperson for the garden's board of trustees told the Scar, "This has been a great weight of our minds. We are grateful to the politicians who will provide all the hot air to heat the dome, this winter. Our future is now assured".
The gardens, recently had a name change to "Middleton", but although there was initial success when it opened, the attraction suffered from a decline in visitor numbers. Critics say mainly due to exhibits of typical Welsh gardens, such as, "man leaning on shovel", "great British weeds" and "burnt-out fiesta covered by ivy".
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DRACULA HAS RISEN FROM THE GRAVE
After years in the wilderness, having thought another chance of a top job in politics had passed him by, ex-Llanelli man Michael Howard has been chosen as the new Conservative Party leader.
Mr Howard, "Dracula" to his friends(Editor: What friends?), is said to be "very surprised" at the events of the past few weeks, when the party decided to ditch the previous leader, Iain Duncan Smith. Mr Howard has been in the past a staunch supporter of the Poll Tax, but he lost much support within the party after Anne Widdecombe described him as having "something of the night" about him.
He has outlined his future policies for the party and the country. These include:
- A 100% Tax to be put on Garlic bread.
- The working time directive to be scrapped, so that more people can work at night.
- VAT to be abolished on coffins and black capes.
- NHS blood banks to be open 24 hours.
- The Young Conservatives to be renamed, "The Children of the Night".
"These policies will take us on to victory in the next election", said Mr Howard. "We have no doubt, that the British people will be attracted back to voting for our party. We will prove once and for all, that we are a party of pathetic mean minded selfish bigots government".
WELSH AIRFORCE TO GET NEW PLANES
The Welsh Assembly has announced that the Welsh Airforce is to get new modern high-tech planes in 2004.
Assembly Minister, Jabba Hutt, made the announcement, yesterday, after there had been much speculation in the media.
The Airforce, which up until now has consisted of two men from Bargoed with hand grenades attached to kites, is said to be "well pleased" at the announcement of the upgrade. The organisation are said to be "proud" of their achievements since their formation in 1999 and that they feel that their role in the defence of the country, especially since 911, has been greatly underestimated by the rest of the world.
This is only the first upgrade to Welsh defence forces, according to the Assembly. Further plans include, an extension to the barrel of the Welsh tank(the non-lagged one) and a new sail for the Welsh Navy.
JOB CENTRE STAFF DEMAND MORE SICK LEAVE
As part of next year's pay settlement, Benefits Agency staff are demanding an increase in sick leave, from the current 6 months per year to 8 months per year.
This controversial demand comes just when, this week, whole departments of the local agency were unavailable to answer queries from job seekers or others.
Spokesperson for the Benefits Agency staff, Linda Timeserver, told the Scar, "It is imperative that we get this increase in sick leave. The staff are under increasing pressure as to what to do all day, when they are in the offices. With unemployment being the lowest for thirty years, they are suffering increasing stress".
"I mean, what if you went home at night worrying that you had virtually nothing to do at work, the next day. It is not a pleasant thing to think about".
Richard Willis, a local man who has been unemployed for over three years, told the Scar, "I have nothing but sympathy for the Benefits Agency staff. I sometimes lie awake at night, worrying about the futures of these superb people. They are a credit to the community. Something must be done!".
PRINCE CHARLES DENIES BEING BI-FOCAL
In a statement issued today, through Royal optician, Tristan Marcheston-Clundudley, Prince Charles has denied media rumours that he wears bi-focal spectacles.
After many rumours, in recent weeks, the Prince has been forced to make a statement concerning the state of his sight.
Speaking to the Scar, the Royal optician said, "After many rumours, Prince Charles denies wearing bi-focals. I can confirm that his royal highness has never worn spectacles at any time during his life. His eyesight is perfect as are all the other parts of his body. Where these rumours originated, nobody knows, but they are very distressful to the Prince and the Royal family. I hope this statement will put these rumours to rest".
The Scar has learned that similar rumours surfaced a year ago, when Prince Phillip was reported to have said that, "Charles must be naffing blind, if he thinks Camilla Parker-Bowles is attractive".
GOVERNMENT ADDS ABBEY NATIONAL TO AXIS OF EVIL
 In an announcement today, the government has added the Abbey National to the "Axis of Evil" list, which already includes North Korea and Iran.
In a statement, the government described Abbey National's behaviour in the last few years as, "A threat to the peace and stability to the world" and "one of the most oppressive regimes in history".
One of the government's accusations is that the bank has been trying to maximize profits for shareholders, by putting pressure on it's more vulnerable customers, in the run-up to the company's end-of-year statement. There have also been reports of some of the poorest mortgage payers being charged a higher interest rate than normal, if they fall behind in their payments by just a few pounds.
Abbey National denies that there has been pressure from shareholders over falling profits and dividends. Asked why some of the poorer customers might be targeted for punitive actions, a spokesperson said, "Well, they are the least likely and able to complain".
"We have taken many steps to improve the company's finances, including awarding all directors an 18% pay rise along with a 24% rise in bonuses paid to them".
The government has denied claims that it is planning cruise missile strikes against Abbey National headquarters at Milton Keynes and their Mortgage department in the north of England. "We have no such plans, but that doesn't rule out future action, if the Abbey National continues on their present dangerous course.
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or bigoted, is purely a coincidence.
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