DIY FANATIC DIGS HIS OWN GRAVE
A local D.I.Y fanatic, Mr Tony Bodger, who is suffering from terminal cancer, has decided to make his own coffin and dig his own grave.
This astonishing news was revealed, this week after Mr Bodger applied for a special license from the Burial Authority to dig his own grave in a few months time.
Lifelong do-it-yourself fanatic, Mr Bodger, has transformed many properties that he has owned into superb examples of what can be done without expert help. His many alterations on his present house has had neighbours gasping with disbelief at his achievements.
Speaking the the Scar, Mr Bodger said, "Although I may be suffering with terminal cancer, it is no excuse for me to stop my D.I.Y. I am in the process of making my coffin and will be starting on my grave a few weeks before my time is up".
Asked to comment about Mr Bodger, some neighbours told the Scar, "We will be glad to see the back of the noisy b******!".
BUSH TO SEND SADDAM TO MARS
 In a shock announcement, US President, George W Bush has told the world that America is to send former Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein, to Mars.
The announcement ends the speculation in the media that the US was planning to send a manned spaceship to another planet, the first since 1972. This decision also finalises what the US government planned to do with Saddam after his dramatic capture.
Plans to send Saddam to Mars are thought to have been suggested three years ago, at a special meeting between the US government and companies, such as Halliburton and the Carlysle Group. The meeting was thought to have discussed ways of distracting the country while the companies plundered the US government surplus.
The spaceship, which has already been built will take about six months to get to Mars. No information on the return journey has been released.
There has been no comment on what Saddam Hussein thinks of the extraordinary journey, but a Bush spokesperson said, "Who cares a **** what he thinks".
LORD HUTTON BLAMES BASIL BRUSH
The long awaited report by Lord Hutton into the death of the noted government scientist, Dr David Kelly, has put the blame fairly and squarely on BBC personality, Basil Brush.
The Hutton report concluded that Mr Brush was wrong to name Dr Kelly on his BBC program, "The Basil Brush Show" in relation to allegations that the government had "sexed-up" information received about Iraq's alleged weapons of mass destruction.
The report was part of an inquiry that was set up after Dr Kelly committed suicide after his name was disclosed. A few weeks earlier, Mr Brush had contacted him regarding his position on a government dossier on Saddam Hussein's weapons programs. They had a lengthy conversation about the role that government "spin doctor", Alastair Campbell, had in altering the dossier to strengthen the case for war.
Mr Brush, who for many years has entertained people with his various BBC shows was said by the Hutton report to be "utterly reckless" in his naming of Dr Kelly.
A spokesperson for the BBC said, "Basil Brush regrets any action taken by him which might have contributed to the death of Dr David Kelly. He his now examining his options and is in discussions with the BBC on whether he should resign".
BLAIR SAYS MOTHER THERESA HAD WMDS
In a statement issued, this week, Prime Minister Tony Blair said that, "I am 100% certain that Mother Theresa of Calcutta had weapons of mass destruction, during the 1990s".
Mother Theresa, who for most of her life was known for her great works among the poor and sick of Calcutta, India, until she died in 1997, was for years under suspicion that all her charitable acts were a cover for something more sinister.
The government says that the information confirming the that she had WMDs was a result of the thawing of relations between Libya and the west. Colonel Gaddafi is said the have provided the British government with proof that Mother Theresa had been developing stockpiles of chemical and biological weapons, since the 1980s. Evidence that she was in league with Saddam Hussein, was also provided.
In the Prime Minister's statement he says, "We can only wonder what the results of Mother Theresa using these weapons, would have been. For years this evil woman had threatened the whole of the civilized world. We must be thankful that she died before her terrible plans were enacted".
Hans Blix, the head of the UN WMD inspectors, on hearing the news, was quoted as saying, "B*****ks!".
FISHFACE'S WALKS
By Trevor Fishface
This week's walk: Pontyates to Kidwelly.
This week I shall be walking down the ancient late-night drunk's path from the village of Pontyates to the town of Kidwelly.
I start my walk in Pontyates, a picturesque village on the banks of the river Ffrdd. I pass an old miners cottage where a local man, Dai Tolstoy, wrote "War in Pieces". How he must have worked night after night, only by candlelight, in the little cottage.
Down, lower in the valley of the river Ffrdd nestles the sleepy village of Carway. This tiny hamlet was very famous, in the 1930's, mainly because of a local man, John Tywyllen-Gravelle. He was voted the best village idiot in Carmarthenshire for seven years in a row.
On the side of the mighty Pembrey mountain, my walk continues, across a small stream meandering into the distance. Then, down the ancient narrow path, strewn with discarded needles and used condoms, I catch a glimpse of the old Trimsaran Chemical Weapons factory, which produced Sarin gas in the early part of the last century. Sarin gas was used to keep children quiet in school lessons. Many's a time my grandfather told me tales of how gas was an everyday part of school life, then.
As the valley broadens out, my eyes are greeted by the welcome sight of the village of Mynyddygarreg, "garage on the mountain", in English. It was named by a local man, Edwin Preece, who built a garage for his car, on the mountain in 1912. In the distance, I can see Kidwelly Castle, tall and proud. This was the site of many ancient battles, including the infamous Kidwelly Carnival of 1978, when layabouts and ner-do-wells from Trimsaran were slaughtered by the population of the town.
Finally, my journey comes to an end in the historic town of Kidwelly. As I quench my thirst in a local pub, the "White Lion", I start reminiscing with the locals about the past. Although the people are wretched, in-bred, sorry examples of human kind, they remind me that this part of Wales is as old as the hills and that the hills are as old as the mountains. Till next we meet. Goodbye.
Trevor Fishface appears with kind permission of ITV Wales - Television for the Hard of Concentrating.
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SHOE-BOMBER APPEAL TO BE SPONSORED BY NIKE
 Shoe-Bomber, Richard Reid, who was sent to prison for life by a US court, for attempting to blow up a passenger plane by lighting a fuse to plastic explosives hidden in his shoe, is to have his appeal sponsored and paid for by Nike.
This startling announcement by Nike coincides with the launch of the Nike "Jihad", which has been specially made for the middle-east market. According to the company the shoe will have a hollowed out sole, to enable the wearer to keep their "most important things" safe.
Commenting on the sponsorship deal, Nike spokesperson, Oli Smarm, told reporters, "We have decided to support Mr Reid in his attempt to clear his name. We will use all our endeavours to make this so. This has nothing to do with the launch of the Nike 'Jihad'. It is just a coincidence".
"The Nike 'Jihad' will enable us to expand our markets into the middle-east and elsewhere in the Muslim world, it will also give us the opportunity to promote more understanding between the Arab world and the West. It will also, hopefully, make us a lot of money, so we can employ even more cheap labour".
TOYS R US SELLS THUNDERBIRD CONDOMS
There were chaotic scenes over the New Year period, when angry parents stormed the local branch of Toys R Us, demanding that they remove condoms shaped like the flying machines in the TV series, "Thunderbirds", from their shelves.
The store decided to sell the condoms after a new government sex education campaign recommended that condoms should be sold in toy stores.
A spokesperson for Toys R Us told the Scar, "We were only acting on government advice. We decided to sell the specially shaped condoms, last week. We picked 'Thunderbirds' because it is so well known to all the generations and the sayings from the TV show like, 'Thunderbirds are go', 'Fab' and '5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1', were just right for the advertising campaign. We regret any offense caused to parents, but we were unaware that the decision to sell the condoms would be so controversial".
An angry parent interviewed yesterday told the Scar, "This is despicable. Why on earth did they think they would get away with it. These people only think of their profits. If any of my nine children want to learn about contraception they can ask me or my wife".
YESTERYEAR REMEMBERED
by The Editor
 Since there have been a few people, recently, who have contributed stories to other local newspapers, about their past experiences growing up in Llanelli, I thought I would share with you my memories of the town.
I have many happy memories, but there are a few which stand out from the rest.
I remember a time when half the children in my street died from measles - my, how we laughed!
There was a woman who used to make ginger beer in a big tin bath tub that had previously been used by the family. The beer tasted superb, although many people spent the next two weeks on the toilet - what fun!
Of course, prices have changed enormously since I was young. You could buy a five course meal in the Stepney Hotel, 200 cigarettes from Corner House, a bottle of whisky from Margreaves, have a holiday in the south of France and still have change from a shilling(5p). Those were the days!
My first job after leaving school was a boilermaker with Glanmorfa. It was a hard and dangerous job. I came home one day and my mother said, "Where's your leg". I had lost my right leg when a piece of metal fell on it and I hadn't noticed. There were no namby-pamby health and safety rules then!
Police officers were proper police officers, in those days. I remember my friend being arrested for no reason, then taken to the police station and kicked senseless by all the police. Even the inspector had a go. Yes they were firm, but fair!
We were all sad when the old market was demolished. It caused much bitterness in the town. We knew that it was falling to pieces, but we thought the man who was sliced in half by a piece of the roof, which had fallen off, was being a bit of a "cry baby", in complaining.
Happy days! I sometimes think back to those times and wonder whether if I dreamt it all. Whatever happens in the future, nothing will ever be the same in Llanelli again.
SUN JOURNALIST IN SEX SCANDAL
 The newspaper world was rocked, this week with reports that the Sun's Arts and Culture (Editor: Arts and Culture? in the Sun?) reporter, Trevor Tabloid, has been having a steamy affair with busty model, Syria (Katy Mount).
Trevor Tabloid, who has been responsible for stories such as, "Art-hating Asylum Seekers Kill Thousands Of Pensioners", "People Who Are From Different Cultures Want To Abolish The Pound" and "European Union To Ban Coronation Street", has been caught in a compromising position by a rival newspaper in a hotel in Basildon with model Syria. Tabloid, who was said to have been happily married for 15 years, denies all knowledge of the incident.
In a statement issued through his lawyer, Trevor Tabloid said, "The affair never happened. I don't even know Syria. I am happily married to my wife and would never think of doing such a thing. It is disgraceful that in this day and age, that newspapers will make-up any old story just to increase their sales. The truth will win. I will be completely vindicated".
Syria, who has seen her career slump in recent months with her recording career going down the tubes, has had some temporary fame in the recent "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here" ITV television program. She told the Scar, "It's true, all true. I did have sex in that hotel with, what's his name, again? Trevor? T-R-E-V-O-R, hmmmmm let me think".
Commenting on the incident a spokesperson for the Sun said, "This is disgraceful behaviour by a rival newspaper. They should be ashamed of themselves for getting the story first".
LLANELLI TO BE MOVED TO CARMARTHEN
A shocking report, released today, recommends that the whole of Llanelli, lock stock and barrel, be moved to Carmarthen.
The report, by a joint committee of Carmarthenshire County Council, Carmarthenshire NHS Trust and Mid and West Wales Fire Service, comes as no surprise to the residents of Llanelli, who have had to put up with services being moved to Carmarthen for many years. It does come as a shock, however, to outsiders who wonder how a small town with only a few thousand inhabitants, could take precedence over Llanelli, which has a population of 70,000.
Spokesperson for the committee, Oli Smarm, told the Scar, "We feel that the best thing for Llanelli is that as soon as possible, everything in the town be moved to Carmarthen. We realise that this will come as an upheaval for the residents of the town, but the public can be assured that none of us in Carmarthen will suffer, as a result of this move".
"I know that there has been allegations of some kind of discrimination against Llanelli people amongst the organisations who contributed to this report, but this is utter nonsense. We treat the concerns of the people of Llanelli in the same way as we do anybody who is not living in Carmarthen".
"Also, there is no truth to the rumours that all the organisations involved are in some way connected to each other by some underhand means. It is utterly irresponsible to suggest that before every meeting of the committee, every member had to roll up his or her trouser leg and give each other a funny handshake, that claim is rubbish. Although we do sometimes wear aprons, but those are for other purposes".
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