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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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NEW STATUE OF LIBERTY UNVEILED
"In the Middle East and too often today, the symbol of America is not the Statue of Liberty. It's the prisoner standing on a box wearing a dark cape and a dark hood on his head, wires attached to his body, afraid that he's going to be electrocuted".
Sen. Edward M. Kennedy
"What does it profit a man if he gaineth the whole world, but loseth his soul".
The Bible
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JOHN KERRY TO HAVE CHARISMA TRANSPLANT OPERATION
US Democratic Presidential candidate, Senator John Kerry, is to have a charisma transplant operation in the next few weeks.
There have been rumours circulating for days, that Kerry would be willing to have this ground breaking surgery, in light of the bad poll statistics, showing that he is still neck and neck with President George Bush.
Kerry's staff have been trying to persuade him to be more "interesting", but to no avail. His appeal to the voters seems to be decreasing.
Kerry was captured while serving in the Vietnam war. He escaped by boring fifteen vietcong to death with his stories about his baseball card collection. Twenty five of his supporters were recently hospitalised in Baltimore, suffering from narcolepcy(inability to keep awake), after listening to one of his speeches.
The surgeon who will perform the operation, Dr Jacob Runstein, told reporters, "The operation that the Senator will have, will be successful. I have performed this procedure many times. I know there have been some risks, in the past. Sometimes the new charisma is rejected by the body and the patient becomes a permanently brain damaged vegetable. This regrettably happened to Donald Rumsfeld. I am confident that Senator Kerry will be a new man when this is over".
The donor of the new charisma for John Kerry, has so far remained anonymous. Rumours that former President Bill Clinton has donated some of his charisma, have been strenuously denied by Kerry's staff.
ASYLUM SEEKERS TAKE REVENGE ON DAILY MAIL READERS
After many years of abuse and prejudice, fifteen (thousands according to the Mail) Asylum Seekers finally took their revenge on Daily Mail readers in the sleepy Surrey town of Woking, this week.
According to local people, the Asylum Seekers took part in a mass display of "bad manners" and other "jiggery pokery".
Mayor of Woking, Major Templeton-Smythe (pronounced Tempsmith), told the Scar, "It was a despicable display of beyond-the-pale behaviour. My god, one of the Asylum Seekers actually went into a restaurant and ordered red wine with fish! Is there no end to these people's ignorance? There have been other reports of Asylum Seekers refusing to bow and scrape to local dignitaries. One actually refused to stand up to let a woman sit down on a local bus. Hell's teeth! bring back hanging, I say!".
There are unconfirmed reports that some of the Asylum Seekers had their hair parted on the right. Rumours that some of them were wearing "I come from bongo-bongo land" t-shirts, were found to be false.
A spokesperson for the Asylum Seekers, in a statement issued today, said, "We all enjoy being in Britain. The people are so friendly and tolerant, but, we are disappointed with a few people who are lacking confidence in their own culture and feel that anyone who is different, is somehow seen as a threat to their way of life. We only want to work to feed and clothe our families. We do not want to suck-up-to or back-stab other people. Perhaps that is why they are afraid of us and angry".
EVIL DICTATOR MEETS COLONEL GADDAFI
The man who refuses to give up Weapons of Mass Destruction and who is responsible for the misery of millions of people in the UK and across the world, met Libyan President, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, in Tripoli, this week.
Prime Minister, Tony Blair's meeting with Colonel Gaddafi is the culmination of many years of quiet diplomacy between the UK and Libya.
At the two leader's meeting, many aspects of this new relationship were discussed, including the deal that Anglo-Dutch oil giant Shell had signed worth up to £550m for gas exploration rights off the Libyan coast.
At one point Colonel Gaddafi was said to have told Tony Blair, "You are looking young", although some reports suggest that this was mis-translated. What was actually said was, "You must have a lot of bare faced cheek", with reference to Libya's decision to give up WMDs and Britain's continuing development of them.
A Spokesperson for Prime Minister Blair said, "This is a historic moment, we truly live in exciting times. This new relationship will benefit both Libya and the UK. There have been suggestions that the relationship has developed because Libya wanted to modernise it's oil industry. This is clearly rubbish. Clearly Libya does want to upgrade it's industry and the deal signed with Shell reflects this, but this does not mean that Oil is the most important consideration".
"The Prime Minister looks after all UK interests, not just of the Oil companies."
This is not the first time Tony Blair has been accused of putting Oil companies interests, first. There have been suggestions that the only reason for invading Iraq , was so that western companies could get their hands on Iraq's massive oil reserves. There was also controversy when the Prime Minister named his youngest son, "Texaco".
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OLD WIVES TALES AND SUPERSTITIONS DEBUNKED
 We at the Llanelli Scar have decided to investigate old wives tales, superstitions and sayings, to see what truth there is in them. We have asked our leading expert on folklore and culture, Michael Jackson(not that one!) to give his verdict on some of them.
If you put butter on a wound it will heal quicker.
TRUE: A friend of mine, who broke his leg, put butter on it. The leg healed completely.
A stitch in time saves nine.
FALSE: Better to wait until things fall apart. Then, you can make a proper job of it and make a big insurance claim to cover the cost.
A woman cannot get pregnant if she crosses her fingers while having unprotected sex.
TRUE/FALSE: Depends of which fingers she crosses.
If you read a copy of the Daily Mirror newspaper you will have seven years bad luck.
TRUE: That is an easy one that everybody knows.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
FALSE: These days it is more likely that the doctor's receptionist has mistakenly deleted your details from her computer while she chatted to her colleague.
If a black cat walks towards you, meows twice, does a handstand(or should that be pawstand), then runs off in a south westerly direction, but only in cloudy weather, it means good luck will come your way.
TRUE: Though, it hasn't happened to me. There is clear evidence that it's true.
It is bad luck to light three cigarettes with the same match.
FALSE: This rumour was spread in the trenches in the first world war, by a rival match making company to Lucifers. Lucifers had developed the first re-useable match which lasted for days.
Don't step on a crack on a sidewalk or pavement. Step on a crack break your mother's back.
TRUE: Just ask Norman Bates.
A horseshoe hung above the doorway, will bring good luck to a home.
TRUE: If you do this, remember to remove the horseshoe from the horse, first. You may have trouble getting through the door if you don't.
It is unlucky to remind Michael Caine, that he talks too much about his childhood poverty.
TRUE: Not a lot of people know that.
Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction.
FALSE: Obviously false. Although, some children still believe it.
LOCAL GARDENER DENIES FONDLING WOMAN'S CLEMATIS
 In a trial at Carmarthen Crown Court this week, local gardener and "Bon Viveur", Tony Sadler, denied fondling a woman's clematis plant, in a garden in Felinfoel Road.
Mr Sadler said, "I never touched it. I only said that it was the nicest I have ever seen. That woman is mad".
The woman in question, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was distraught as she gave evidence against the alleged fondler. "That evil man was working in a garden in the next house and said that he liked my clematis, which was growing in my garden. He then jumped over the fence and started fondling it. He was drooling from the mouth when he did it. I was completely shocked".
"I love that clematis. It has been my pride and joy for years. I won't even let my husband touch it, although we have been married for fifteen years. I think that it is disgraceful that people can go around and fondle your clematis, without even asking first. That man should be locked up for life".
The victim's husband told the court, "I heard a noise in the garden, then my wife started screaming, 'there is a man touching my clematis'. I ran out to find this man fondling the clematis and breathing heavily. I immediately stopped him, then called the police. I cannot imagine what he would have done if I was not there. I blame all these gardening programs on TV. They put weird thoughts into people's minds".
The case was adjourned awaiting the results of psychiatric reports on the alleged fondler.
"LOTTERY WIN WILL NOT CHANGE MY LIFE", SAYS QUEEN
Speaking exclusively to the Scar, Elizabeth Windsor(Her Majesty The Queen) talks about her win on the Lotto National Lottery, last week.
"One was very surprised and happy when one checked ones numbers on teletext. One could not believe it, at first. Then it suddenly dawned on one that one had all six numbers plus the bonus ball. One was gobsmacked".
"One realises that to some people fifteen million pounds is lot of money, but one will not be changing ones lifestyle because of ones lottery win. One will still be an ordinary Queen fulfilling ones duties to ones country".
Asked what her majesty will be using the money for, she replied, "One does not know, at the moment. In the fullness of time, my husband and I shall decide on a proper use for this money. Perhaps one will buy Cornwall off Charles or one could give some money to Camilla Parker-Bowles to have a nice hairdo. She could do with a makeover".
"One thing that one will not be doing is frittering the money away on such things as, buying another dog for Princess Anne. One thinks that would be a mistake. One also believes that the money should be put to good use benefiting the community, at large. For this reason one might, for example, completely refurbishing the bowing and scraping room in Buckingham Palace. The carpet is so worn with all those people groveling before one, it looks a mess".
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This is a satire website. Any story that seems connected
to allegations against the stupid, ignorant, evil, greedy
or bigoted, is purely a coincidence.
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