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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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REPORT SAYS THAT, "COUNCIL RUNNING OUT OF FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO EMPLOY"
 A report published today, comes to the conclusion, that the human resources department of the local council are having trouble finding friends and family of existing employees, to fill current job vacancies.
The report warns that, so many friends and relations of people who work for the council, have been employed, there is a risk in future that they may have to take the drastic step of employing people on merit.
Council human resources spokesperson, Jackie Pinner, told the Scar, "This report only confirms what we have suspected for some time. We are having difficulty finding friends and relations to join our staff. It has got so bad, that the head of one council department recommended for employment, a person who she momentarily bumped into at Carmarthen market".
"However, we reject the report's conclusion that in future we might have to employ people on merit. We feel that this is unacceptable. We shall be announcing various initiatives that will alleviate the problem, including lowering the working age to fourteen, so that more of the current employees children will be able to be employed by the council. We will also be asking our staff if they have any elderly relatives in nursing homes, that can spare a few hours a day to work for us".
GOVERNMENT OBESITY TASKFORCE HEAD NAMED
 After a report by a House of Commons committee, critised government, food manufacturers and advertisers over the startling increase in obesity across the country, the government have named the head of a new obesity taskforce, which will look at ways of promoting healthier eating. The head of the taskforce will be John Prescott and his deputy will be Ian McCartney.
The report by the select committee on health says, that if nothing is done to curb obesity, by the year 2030 all doors in public buildings, cinemas, pubs and clubs, will have to be widened at a cost of £15 billion.
There are also worries that sports arenas, such as football grounds will have to have their stands strengthened, so as to cope with the extra weight. Furniture manufacturers have also demanded government subsidies for research into stronger sofa and bed springs.
There have also been calls to ban the advertising of unhealthy foods, but this has been strongly opposed by groups such as, "The Healthy Monosodium Glutomate Promotion Organisation" and "E Numbers Are Fun".
It is now estimated that 25% of the country is now classified as obese, leading to increasing anxiety among scientists over greenhouse gas emissions from these people. One leading scientist has urged the country to stop over eating and become vegetarians.
The down side of this will be that, although we will all be healthier, greenhouse gasses will increase enormously, leading to an even bigger hole in the ozone layer.
Latest figures suggest that we will all be fried to a crisp within 25 years of everybody becoming vegetarian.
PEACEFUL ISRAELI ATTACK HELICOPTER DAMAGED BY INSULTS FROM PALESTINIAN CROWD
 There was mayhem in the Palestinian town of Rafah, today, when a Peaceful Israeli Attack Helicopter, which was rightfully patrolling the area, was damaged by insults and abuse from dangerous terrorists who were marching to protest at the progressive Israeli occupation of lands promised to Israel by God.
The pilot of the helicopter had to make an emergency landing near a, legal in international law, Israeli settlement. He was unharmed. In an interview later he said, "I was patrolling the area looking for evil troublemakers, when suddenly, I saw a large crowd of Palestinians marching down the main street of the town. As soon as they saw my helicopter, they started to shout various insults and abuse. Immediately I began to lose control of the helicopter. It started to violently spin and I just managed to make a forced landing. I was completely shocked at the barbarity of the Palestinians' insults. I even forgot to fire my missiles".
A spokesperson for the Israeli government issued a statement condemning the Palestinians' behaviour and praising the brave actions of the helicopter pilot.
This is not the first time that Palestinians have used these diabolical tactics against Israeli freedom forces. Last week many Palestinian houses had to be demolished, because their owners were making rude gestures at the Israel tanks which were legally firing at stone-throwers.
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MICROSOFT WORD DOCUMENT FOUND ON LOCAL MAN'S PC
There were looks of disbelief on the faces of New Road residents, today, when police confirmed that a Microsoft Word document had been found on a computer owned by one of them.
The local man, who cannot be named because he is important, took his computer to be repaired at the local branch of "Connit". On inspecting the PC, staff immediately contacted local police informing them that a Microsoft Word document had been found.
A spokesperson for the police, Inspector L.O.L.O.L.O. Watts, told the Scar, "A local man has been arrested in connection with a serious incident, which involved downloading certain information from the Internet. When questioned the suspect told us the document in question was to help in his thesis on ancient greek architecture(Editor: a likely story!). The man will remain in custody while we ascertain if he has done anything illegal. If he hasn't, he will be released immediately, with only the suspicion of local busybodies and people with a lot of time on their hands, to cope with".
A shocked resident commenting on the incident, told the Scar "I blame all these asylum seekers", another said, "This is typical in the way that this town has gone downhill since they demolished the old market".
POBOL Y CWM ACTRESS IN WELSH-CAKE SCANDAL
 There was pandimonium pandeminium punde chaos on the set of a Welsh TV soap opera, today, when rumours surfaced that one of the actresses had bought welsh-cakes from Asda supermarket, instead of making them herself.
Shocked stars of "Pobol y Cwm" were said to be "angry", "devastated" and "incredulous", that one of their trusted colleagues could do such a thing. "Heffon cols", one was heard to say.
Chief suspect is said to be Ammanford born, Catrin Arwel, who was recently voted one of Wales top 500,000 single women. Miss Arwel, who plays Emma Francis in the soap, has gone into hiding and cannot be contacted. Her solicitor told the Scar, "Miss Arwel denies buying the said welsh-cakes from the Asda supermarket in Llanelli. She also denies ever buying welsh-cakes or any other traditional cakes. She has always made her own".
This is not the first time that the "Pobol y Cwm" stars have been under the spotlight. A few years ago many of the cast were arrested in Carmarthen, accused of "Acting in a manner likely to cause a breach of the peace". After a lengthy trial, all were sentenced to another 5 years on the TV soap.
COUNCIL HIRES SADDAM LOOK-A-LIKE TO SCARE PIGEONS
 The local Council has announced that it has hired a Saddam Hussein look-a-like to deal with the increasing pigeon problem in the town centre.
Saddam look-a-like, Reg Williams from Bynea, will patrol the town centre scaring pigeons.
This announcement comes as a result of pressure from shoppers and businesses to do something about the pigeons, which are infesting much of Stepney Street, Vaughn Street and the shopping centre.
Council leader, Muriel Chippings, told the Scar, "We are proud to announce that a specialist pigeon scarer has been hired by the council to deal with the problem. There have been many people who have contacted us to raise their concerns. These pigeons, or 'flying rats', as some people call them, or 'Plaid Cymru', as some others call them, have been a menace in the town for a number of years".
"We have now decided to take action. The official pigeon scarer, Mr Reg Williams will hopefully start work on August 1st 2020. The council hopes that this action will satisfy those who have been complaining".
ICELAND TO SELL TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE FROZEN EMBRYOS
 A new breakthrough was announced this week for childless couples. The frozen food store, Iceland, under a special license obtained from the British Medical Association, will sell frozen human embryos, at all it's food stores throughout the UK, starting this September.
This enormous step forward for the availability of frozen embryos, was hailed by medical and consumer organisations, as important and timely.
A spokesperson for Iceland, Doctor Clair "Happy to Help" Seward, told the Scar, "From September we shall be selling frozen human embryos at all out stores. To encourage people to buy them we will be having a 'two for the price of one' promotion for the first few months".
"We see this as a golden opportunity to expand our business. We will also be changing our slogan to coincide with the launch of this new product. The new slogan will be, 'Potential Mums Go To Iceland'. This truly reflects our new market strategy".
Shoppers in Llanelli, interviewed today, were confused on hearing the announcement. One asked, "Embryo? That's a type of artichoke, isn't it?".
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