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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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TRIMSARAN MAN CELEBRATES WEARING A BALACLAVA FOR 150 YEARS
 A Trimsaran man, Fenchurch Balkhurst, has been given the freedom of the village after wearing the same balaclava continuously for the past 150 years. He broke the previous record of 149 years, set by local publican Ranscham Merackllywdd.
This difficult feat was the result of many years of hard work and persistence. He started to wear his balaclava 150 years ago, when locals started to make fun of his large ears. "It was a hard decision", Mr Balkhurst told the Scar, "but it was a necessary one. Things could not go on the way they were. My ears were an increasing embarrassment to the community".
"So I decided to wear a balaclava for the rest of my life, to spare my family more shame. You have got to realise, things were different in those days. People were very cruel towards others who had big ears or long noses or whose name was Brian. It was hard back then to reason with people".
Mr Balkhurst will ceremoniously burn the balaclava this Wednesday, as soon as doctors at Glangwili hospital remove it from his head. Local people have set up a fund to buy him a new balaclava. All donations to be sent to the Llanelli Scar office.
STEVEN THE CAT DEPORTED FROM THE USA
 A local couple's holiday to the USA was in ruins, this week, when their cat was detained by US officials, then deported.
Mr and Mrs Mal Phillips took their cat, Steven, with them on United Airlines Flight 919 from London to Washington, but their flight was diverted to Maine, when officials realised his name was on a "watch list".
A spokesman for the US Department of Homeland Security, Garrison Courtney, told the Scar that Steven's name "was placed on watch lists because of concerns that the US has about activities that can potentially be related to terrorism".
"More recently, our intelligence community has come into the possession of additional information that further heightens our concerns towards Steven," he added. "I can categorically (Editor: Groan!) deny suggestions that this action towards Steven is politically motivated".
Steven, who was given the name "Yusuf" (long tail, in Arabic) at the cat hostel where he was born, has lived with the Phillips family for six years. They renamed him, "Steven", soon after they purchased him. The family are said to be, "devastated" after the deportation.
Cat groups in Britain and the United States have criticised the decision, saying Steven, "Is a cat of peace. This incident gives us all paws for thought".
The Council on American-Cat Relations said in a statement that the move, "Sends the disturbing message that even moderate and mainstream cats will now be treated like terrorists. Who knows where this tail will end".
EVIL SLIME APPEARS IN NEW YORK
 Speaking to an audience of the sick and twisted, at the Republican convention in New York, US Halliburton Vice President, Dick Cheney spoke of his "tremendous admiration" of the job that President Bush is doing.
Cheney spoke of the "tough decisions", that Bush has made to send other people's sons and daughters to die in the war on terror. "Never in history has a President been so determined to keep rich people safe from suffering". To loud applause, he continued, "This administration when it is re-elected will never cease from filling the pockets of the chosen few with lucrative contracts in homeland security and in Iraq".
To chants of "four more wars! four more wars!", the Vice President called Democratic opponent, John Kerry a "coward" for winning medals in the Vietnam war. "He should have done the patriotic thing and protected Texas from the vietcong, like President Bush. Better still he should have stayed at home and made plenty of money, just like I did".
Tonight(Thursday), President Bush will speak to the convention. He is expected to repeat the claim that Godzilla is likely to attack the US at any time. He will also to announce a major new initiative to combat illiteracy in the US, called "no billionaire's child left behind".
After the speech, the convention will close with the traditional book burning ceremony and the singing of the Republican anthem, "Amerika ubber alles".
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JUNKIES AND DRUNKS SAY, "ORDINARY PEOPLE ARE MAKING OUR LIVES A MISERY"
Local junkies and drunks have set-up an action committee to combat what they say is an "increase in the abuse and hassle", that they are getting from ordinary people in the town. They are complaining that their lives are being made a "misery".
Spokesperson for the committee, the Reverend Kevin Adams, told the Scar, "The people of this town have got to realise that junkies and drunks have the same rights as them. We cannot have the situation where we cannot even urinate in someone's doorway, without being criticised for it. I mean, we had the situation last Friday night when one of the members of the committee threw up in Queen Victoria Road, he was immediately shouted at by one of the residents. This cannot go on any longer".
"We recently even had a New Road resident attacking a junkie, who had broken into his house looking for money for a fix. It is also not fair that people complain when we shout or sing loudly at 3 am. It is a denial of our basic human rights. I know some of our committee have damaged windows of some town residents, but that benefits the town, by creating more business for glaziers".
"This situation is getting out of hand. We cannot even take drugs in the local pubs, without getting bad looks from people. We demand that the people of the town respect our human rights".
OH ARRR - PRO HUNTING PROTESTERS INVADE PARLIAMENT
 There be chaos in the House of Commons, tha'fternoon when many stout gentlemen invaded the debating chamber, to protest at the vote to ban hunting with dogs.
The good country folk who were protesting shouted, "Where be Tony Blair" and "You with your new fangled ways must go". The protesters were then arrested by the peelers and escorted off the premises.
Earlier, the huge crowd, which included Uncle Tom Cobley, peacefully protested outside the Houses of Parliament, by playfully tossing fireworks and smoke bombs at the peelers. A few waved their pitchforks in the air. Much to many's surprise, the peelers took the joking the wrong way and proceeded to arrest some folk.
One of the peaceful country folk arrested, told the Scar, "Dem police be rotten. One of dem knocked a straw, I be chewing, out of my mouth, dragging me to yon police van. Dis be no way to run a country".
By this evening, the protest be over, with many a country folk, in a panic, because they did not buy return tickets. "We be stranded!", said one. As the crowd dispersed, London council employees were sent to clean up all the manure that had accumulated.
THE RETURN OF SPOCK
 Conservative leader, Michael Howard, has appointed former Welsh secretary John Redwood to his shadow cabinet.
Redwood, who last served on the front bench in 2000, has been appointed conservative spokesperson for deregulation. He was previously Secretary of State for Wales in the John Major government, where he gained a reputation for a deep understanding and love for the Welsh culture and people(Editor: What?).
Redwood, who is chairman of the "Hit the poor" group of Conservatives, is expected to formulate plans to cut health and safety regulations as well as making it easier for company directors to steal from their companies and employees.
There have also been rumours that he will head a committee looking into ways of promoting the deregulation of small business taxes, by making all transactions between them and their customers, in cash.
ISRAELI FENCING TEAM WINS OLYMPIC GOLD
 The Israeli fencing team has won the gold medal for the 100 metre fence building competition in the Athens Olympics, today.
The team were in a tight finish with the competition favourites, Ireland, but a last minute surge enabled them to win the gold medal in a new Olympic record of 2 hours 51 minutes 3 seconds.
The jubilant Israelis even surprised themselves, with their determination to win. A spokesperson told reporters, "We were amazed to beat the Irish, who we regard as the best in the world. We have worked hard to train for this competition for the last three years. All that hard work on the West Bank has been worth it".
There was controversy during the competition when the Palestinian judge accused the Israelis of cheating, by building the fence outside the designated boundaries of the arena. This accusation was successfully opposed with the help of the USA team.
Russia won the bronze medal and the British team, made up of "Groundforce" personnel, were a disappointing tenth.
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to allegations against the stupid, ignorant, evil, greedy
or bigoted, is purely a coincidence.
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