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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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IDS REBORN
 With pressure mounting on Conservative Party leader Michael Howard, to step down in favour of someone else before the next election, many Tory MPs are openly calling for the return of former leader, Iain Duncan Smith, to lead the party once more.
There have been rumours for months that there was discontent amongst party members and MPs, which came to a head last week when Michael Howard suggested that a Conservative government would bring back hanging, but only for those who were guilty.
In a speech to a meeting of Tory MPs, leader of the influential backbench 1922 committee, Craven Liddle - Farquar, said, "We cannot get any worse. Even if we do lose the next election with Iain Duncan Smith as our leader, at least we can do it with a man who is stuck in the 1950's as opposed to Michael Howard, who is stuck in the 1850's".
Since loosing the leadership of the Conservative party, Iain Duncan Smith has been working alongside another former leader, William Hague, as a part-time garden gnome on Michael Heseletine's country estate. He is said to be, "thrilled", at being noticed again.
Known as the "quiet man" of British politics, he is said to be "confident" that this time he will be able to explain his policies clearly to the party and to the country, if he can remember where he put them.
BLAIR WARNS THAT, "BIN LADEN IS PLANNING ATTACK ON SANTA CLAUS"
Tony Blair, has issued a warning that Osama Bin Laden is planning an attack on Santa Claus, this Christmas. The Prime Minister issued this stark warning, at a news conference in Number 10 Downing Street, this morning.
He told a stunned audience of journalists, "We have strong evidence that Osama Bin Laden will attack Santa on Christmas Eve. We will be taking all the necessary steps to ensure Santa's security as he travels the world delivering presents. Squadrons of fighter jets and helicopters full of SAS commandos will escort Santa's sleigh from the start of his journey in Lapland. Every house that he will visit will be cordoned off while he leaves the presents".
"We would like to thank Santa's elves for the information about the planned attack. I cannot say much more about their involvement, but I can confirm that one of them risked his life by infiltrating an Al-Qaida cell. He is a very brave elf".
Asked whether it would be better if Santa cancelled his usual journey, Mr Blair said, "That is utter nonsense. It is Christmas, a time for joyous celebration, a time to give thanks for low unemployment, low interest rates, the pensioners credit and the minimum wage. We must not let this threat disrupt our lives".
FERRERO ROCHER WOMAN JAILED
 Lucy Tregonna, the woman who refused to serve Ferrero Rocher chocolates at a dinner party that she had organised, was sent to prison for six months by Llanelli magistrates, today.
The prosecution, the first of it's kind under the government's new middle class anti-social behaviour laws, took place after Old Road residents complained to the police three weeks ago about Mrs Tregonna.
Prosecutors acting for the Crown told a packed court, that during a dinner party at the beginning of October, Mrs Tregonna told her guests that there would be, "No Ferrero Rocher chocolates served later". Challenged by some of her guests, Mrs Tregonna replied, "so what!". After the party some of the Old Road neighbours who had been invited, contacted Llanelli police.
A spokesperson for the police, Inspector L.O.L.O.L.O. Watts, told the Scar, "Let this be a warning to all middle class people in Llanelli, that we will not stand by and put up with this sort of anti-social behaviour. This is the most disturbing case I have seen in years. Lucy Tregonna has had her just deserts".
This has been the second food related incident in Old Road in the past year. In January there were riots, when the local branch of Marks and Spencer ran out of Chicken Tika Masala.
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BOB THE BUILDER CHARGED WITH BENEFIT FRAUD AGAIN
 It seems that last year's community service sentence has not deterred Bob the Builder from fraudulently claming benefit while working, again.
At the local magistrates court, today, Bob (pictured opposite leaving court with a friend) pleaded guilty to five counts of illegally claiming jobseekers allowance.
The court heard that Bob was caught on video, by a special investigation team from the Benefits Agency acting on an anonymous tip off, working on the new superstore at Trostre Park. Magistrates quickly found Bob, guilty and fined him £3000 and told him he had to pay back all the benefit he received.
Peter Little, Bob's solicitor told the Scar, "Bob is very ashamed at what he has done. He realised that it was wrong to claim benefit while he was working. He knows last year's incident should have warned him what to expect if he repeated the offence, but he has been going through some tough times, lately".
Asked, who does he think tipped off the Benefits Agency, Bob told the Scar, "I bet it was that f****** scarecrow!".
BLUNKETT DENIES AFFAIR WITH JORDAN AND PETER ANDRE
More shocking revelations about Home Secretary David Blunkett's personal life, were revealed in a new book by celebrity wanabe, Jordan, today.
In the book, "Looked Over Jordan", she alleges that Blunkett, her and Peter Andre enjoyed a steamy threesome at a posh London hotel, during a weekend in July.
"It's all true", Jordan told the Scar, "Peter and me were shocked when David Blunkett suggested a threesome, but you know me, anything for a laugh. He was like an animal, or was that his dog? it's hard to remember all the details. It was a very confusing weekend".
Recent scandals about David Blunkett's private life have dominated the media over the past few weeks. The most recent one being, the alleged fast tracking of a visa application for one of his girlfriend's Phillipino nanny.
A spokesperson for the Home Secretary told the Scar, "The allegations in the book by Jordan are completely false. There was a misunderstanding when Mr Blunkett entered the wrong hotel room, but that's all it was. The Home Secretary denies all the accusations that he is some king of sex fiend willing to have sex with anything that moves. That is utterly false and not worthy of further comment".
SMOKERS FIGHT BACK
 After the government announcement that it is going to seek a total ban on smoking in public places, smokers have started to fight back.
Local people have organised a new party to fight for smokers rights at the next general election. The party, Citizens Organised For Freedom (COFF), has already picked a candidate to stand for MP. Mr Berkeley Superkings was chosen unanimously by the party, after discussions in smoke filled rooms, naturally.
"I am honoured to be picked to fight for the rights of smokers everywhere", Mr Superkings told the Scar. "It will be a tough uphill struggle against the forces of intolerance and bigotry, especially my wife, but we will prevail in the end, or die trying".
The party have gained the support of many prominent local people, including the town's undertakers.
Protests are to be held next week in the town centre, on the anniversary of the first government health warning. Smokers will take part in a sit-down smoking marathon, which is planned to last all day, or until the cigarettes run out. Non-smokers are advised to avoid the area on this day, as they may be offended by such an open display of freewill.
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or bigoted, is purely a coincidence.
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