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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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U.K. FORCES DENY USING ALMOND CLUSTER BOMBS
U.K. forces have denied using almond cluster bombs on the Iraqis which could be fatal to anybody with a nut allergy.
There have been reports from some news agencies that U.K. planes dropped the bombs near the city of Basra at the weekend. There were also unconfirmed sightings of children eating the chocolates near a checkpoint at Umm Qasr.
A statement by the R.A.F. said, "We have no knowledge that almond cluster bombs have been used in south east Iraq. There have been rumours that children have been seen eating chocolates, but we think that they were coffee cremes given to them by soldiers of the Parachute Regiment".
GAS! GAS! GAS! CHEMICAL ALERT AS LOCAL MAN BREAKS WIND
 There was a chemical warfare alert in the town centre this week when a unnamed local man broke wind. The Army were called in to help police evacuate the area.
A police spokesman said, "It was utter chaos, there were people running in all directions. We had to call in the the Army to help us calm the situation".
Most of the town centre was sealed off, while specialist soldiers examined the area. A special camp was set up in Park Howard to treat people, but thankfully, no one was injured.
The perpetrator was caught and quarantined. He will be charged with releasing a noxious substance without a licence.
COUNCIL TAX PROTESTORS TEAR DOWN STATUE OF COUNCIL LEADER
Protestors, who were protesting at the latest big rise in Council Tax, tore down the statue of Council Leader Muriel Chippings in the Town Hall Square, today.
They had been gathering in the square for a few hours holding banners and chanting loudly. Suddenly, a few people from the crowd started tying ropes around the statue of the Council Leader. They were unsuccessful in trying to pull it over, until they had some help from a passing JCB tractor, which was driven by a council worker.
They then were able to pull it down, at which point all the crowd gathered in the square started cheering. They then proceeded to jump up and down on the statue hitting it with their Council Tax Bills.
LOCAL COMPANY MAKES CAR FUELLED BY LARD
 Local car manufacturers, Morris Motors, have made a car that runs on lard.
After successful experiments, last year, to fuel cars using waste chip oil and fat, Morris Motors decided to go ahead with full production of the car which uses an updated version of the engine tested.
The new car, which is called the “Larda”, will do 150 miles for every pound of lard used.
Spokesperson, Michael Miles, said "The lardometer tests show that this car will out perform anything on the road and it doesn't produce any of the smells associated with the chip fat fuel. We are very pleased with the results, so we are going into full production with the help of British Lard. It is a proud day for the company. This development will put the company on the map as well as the town and we look forward to the day when all the people will be driving Lardas".
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TUTANKHAMUN WAS "BORN IN BYNEA", CLAIMS LOCAL HISTORIAN
Local historian, Nelson Davies, has claimed that Egyptian Pharaoh Tutankhamun, who reigned between 1334 and 1325 BC, was originally from Bynea. Mr Davies has spent the last twenty years examining the Egyptian artifacts in various museums around the world.
"There is no doubt", said Mr Davies, after examining the artifacts that were buried with the pharaoh, "only one conclusion can be reached. What was previously thought to be a ceremonial chalice, is in fact a silver beer tankard and what was thought to be remains of jewelry of some sort, are rugby boot studs. An old stone tablet, which was buried with Tutankhamun, definitely has a map on it that looks like Bynea".
This amazing new discovery has prompted local councillors to ask the Welsh Assembly for funds to build a Tutankhamun theme park on waste land near Penclacwydd. "This could be a new chapter in the history of the village", said one.
MOSUL CAPTURED BY ELITE U.S. TICKLING REGIMENT
 News has just reached us that the Iraqi city of Mosul was captured by an elite U.S. tickling regiment.
The U.S. Marines 42nd Tickling Regiment captured the city without much resistance. Many Iraqi soldiers gave up straight away.
Colonel Bart Chimovsky said, "We took the city in about a few hours. We met little or no opposition, although a few Iraqis did struggle, but we took care of them quickly".
"None of the marines were seriously hurt, although a few did have sore fingers, but that is all in a day’s work for a professional tickling regiment".
POLICE WARN OF BOGUS INVOICES
Police have issued a warning about bogus invoices that have been sent to some people in the area over the past few weeks.
Police spokesman, L.O.L.O.L.O. Watts said, "A few people in Llanelli have been sent invoices which have been found to be bogus. There are two ways to tell if they are not real. They include the words ‘Carmarthenshire County Council’ and ‘Council Tax’".
"People should be aware that if they pay these invoices, they will never see their money again and that they will get nothing in return".
"This scam normally happens about once every year and there are always people who lose money because of it. We are investigating the source of this con and are confident of prosecutions", said Mr Watts.
JEFFREY ARCHER CLAIMS, "QUEEN WAS MY SEX SLAVE"
Jailed former Conservative Party Chairman, Jeffrey Archer, has claimed in his new book, that the Queen was his "sex slave".
He has claimed that, during the 1970’s he met the Queen in a secret location and that they engaged in various sex acts.
Spokesman for the Queen, Lord Luvaduck, said, "This is preposterous, he must be living in a world of his own. Her majesty has never even met Archer".
This is not the first time that Jeffrey Archer has made claims about himself. He has, in the past, claimed that he scored a hattrick of goals in the 1966 World Cup Final, been the first man to walk on the moon, single handedly liberated Kuwait in 1991, sank the Bismarck and invented the hover mower.
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This is a satire website. Any story that seems connected
to allegations against the stupid, ignorant, evil, greedy
or bigoted, is purely a coincidence.
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