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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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A CHRISTMAS MESSAGE FROM THE LLANELLI SCAR
At this joyous time of year when our thoughts turn to our family, friends and the spirit of Christmas, please spare a thought for those more fortunate than ourselves.
Over the past year we have seen war, famine and storms wreak havoc on many parts of the planet, but there is a more pressing problem that the world faces; the fate of the rich. These special people are in more need of your help than ever before. Rich people in this country are suffering on an unprecedented scale.
In the weeks before Christmas they will be increasingly under pressure to find expensive presents for their families and friends. Many will not survive these weeks, without some trauma and guilt. Maybe they will have the added pressure of planning next year's holidays in far away exclusive places or, wondering if their share options will yield more than last year.
With property prices still increasing, it is no wonder that these people are struggling to find new ways to spend their money.
So the Christmas message from all of us at the Llanelli Scar is, "Keep spending". If we keep spending, the rich will no longer have to worry about whether their children might have to be educated in state schools, or that their family will have to use the NHS for medical treatment.
These special people deserve our admiration on the way in which they line their own pockets at everybody else's expense. After all, if they did not exist, the country would quickly fall apart and be plunged back into the dark ages of full employment and opportunity for all.
I was speaking last week to one rich family who were agonizing whether to send their son to Eton or a lesser private school. "I want to go Eton", little Farquar, their son, told me with tears welling up in his eyes. It was a dreadful experience and one I never thought I would come across in a modern democratic country in 2004.
We should think of that when we celebrate the birth of capitalism and the giving of pointless gifts. When the three wise men (try finding three these days!) brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh to baby Jesus, I bet he must have thought to himself, "Gold, fair enough, but frankincense and myrrh, what the hell are they for?". But, Jesus was wrong, if we did not give pointless gifts, the whole of civilisation would crumble before our eyes.
So, we ask you to fill the bank accounts of supermarkets, chain stores and their shareholders. Fill your heart with the true spirit of Christmas. Give all you can to stockbrokers, estate agents, financial advisors and management consultants. Never mind if you yourself cannot afford something essential. Remember that every penny you give will make a rich person happier.
Merry Christmas from us all at the Llanelli Scar.
The Editor.
TOWN ON HIGH ALERT FOR XMAS PARTY SEASON
 Emergency services are on high alert as the Christmas party season begins in earnest, this weekend. They have been practicing procedures over the past few weeks, for dealing with any incident that may arise in the town centre.
One new innovation by the local council will see a special "Puke Mobile", patrol streets such as Station Road, enabling people to be sick in special containers, instead of on the pavement. The resulting effluent will then be safely disposed of.
Local publicans will be issued with alcohol meters, to enable them to test whether revellers have drunk too little. Police will also issue warnings to people who behave as if they are sober.
A "fight area" has been set up at the top of Station Road, so that aggressive drunks can safely beat the hell out of each other, without bothering anybody else. Vandals have also been given a special area to, "do their own thing". At the side of the Entertainment Centre, bus shelters, phone booths, old doors, windows and rubbish bins have been placed there, so that they can attack them without fear of arrest. Two army style field hospitals will be in place in Queen Victoria Road and Murray Street, if anybody does get hurt.
A spokesperson for Llanelli police, Inspector L.O.L.O.L.O Watts told the scar, "We hope all these measures will enable the Christmas revellers to enjoy themselves without annoying the rest of the population. We would also like to warn all potential troublemakers such as, local residents and other law abiding citizens, that we will not tolerate their moaning and groaning about drunks. We will prosecute, to the full extent of the law, all those who are determined to remain sober and law abiding over the Christmas holidays".
NEW HOLLYWOOD WAR FILM TO BE BASED ON FACTS
 After the debacles of the past few years when war films such as "Pearl Harbor" and "U-571" were made containing little truth or factual history, 20th Century Fox has announced that their re-make of the old British film, "Dambusters", might include some events which might have actually happened.
Top director, Jonathan Mostow, is to direct the $300 million dollar blockbuster, which includes stars such as, Jack Nicholson, Tom Cruise, Kirsten Dunst and Jennifer Lopez. The film is based on the successful bombing of the German Ruhr dams in the second world war.
Jack Nicholson will play the part of "Bomber Harris", the crazed head of Bomber Command, who mysteriously dies after falling out of a plane while on the famous Dambusters raid. Tom Cruise will play, "Wing Commander Guy Gibson", a sad and bitter man since his divorce from his rubber fetishist bisexual wife. Kirsten Dunst will play, "Chloe", the rear gunner in Guy Gibson's Lancaster bomber, who falls in love with both Nicholson and Cruise, with fatal consequences. Jennifer Lopez will play the role of the famous scientist who invented the bouncing bomb, "Elizabeth Barnes Wallace".
According to Jonathan Mostow, the film will be as accurate as possible and that UK audiences will not have anything to worry about. "The film will tell the truth", Mostow told the Scar, "We are aware that previous war films made in the USA were not of the highest standard, as to the facts, but this will be factual all the way. I can categorically deny that some characters from Lord of the Rings will appear in the film. Those were rumours spread by a rival company. I can also deny that the theme tune is to be written by Eminem. He has recorded a song called, 'Bounce my bomb, baby', but that has nothing to do with us".
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LLANELLI TO BE TWINNED WITH FALLUJAH
An important announcement has been made, this week, confirming that Llanelli is going to be twinned with the Iraqi city of Fallujah.
The city, which has been under siege by American forces for the past few weeks, has been chosen as an "ideal candidate for twinning", by local dignitaries in Llanelli.
"Fallujah has many things in common with Llanelli", a spokesperson told the Scar. "For example, a lack of jobs, rundown local services, no decent hospital, marauding bands of violent yobs, a sense of despair over the future, an area which suffered persecution for years under a despotic hard-line dictatorship (just like Llanelli is suffering under Carmarthenshire County Council), a place where informers prosper and a rubbish football team. We feel it is an ideal city to twin with Llanelli".
"I know that some people are going to say that, we are stupid to twin with Fallujah, in case that the Iraqi city will somehow, 'show up' the inadequacies of a town like Llanelli, but that is just rubbish. We can all be proud of the future prospects of Llanelli. Twinning with Fallujah will show the world that the town is on the way up".
"The rumours that this will mean that, Llanelli people will be allowed to claim asylum in Iraq are preposterous. The Iraqi government have assured me that all asylum claims will fail. If Llanelli people do seek asylum in Iraq, they will be held in terrible conditions in one of the worst prisons, denied all contact with legal representation and totally forgotten. Just like people in this country who are seeking asylum".
NEW ROAD NEWCOMERS DENY BEING, "NOSY SNOBS"
 There was uproar in one of the town's more upmarket streets, this week, when one of the residents accused their newcomer neighbours of being, "nosy snobs".
Explaining the remarks, the accuser, who did not wish to be identified, told the Scar of, "a campaign by some of the richer newcomers to the area, to push out less affluent established residents". This was done, they said, "by moaning and whinging to the council, at every opportunity, about certain people in the street".
Speaking yesterday, the unnamed resident told the Scar, "I have lived in New Road for nearly twenty years, yet people who have just moved there in the last few years, treat me like dirt. One of them actually telephoned the council complaining I left the house, one day, without wearing a suit and tie".
"I remember another occasion when the police called at my home after a neighbour complained that I had bought a pot noodle. Another complained that my wife had used yoghurt in a cooking recipe, instead of crème fresh. I, and others like me, have had nothing but trouble from these yuppie newcomers".
Reacting to the accusations, a council official responded, "We are aware that there have been problems with some residents making complaints to the council, but we are obliged to investigate every petty little whinge by these small minded, pushy people. After all, you never know what you might uncover. There may be an Al-Qaida terrorist cell active in the street. People would soon change their minds, if we uncovered that".
The official denied that there have been, "contacts between some of the newcomers, council officials, local business men, a firm of local solicitors, some local estate agents and a local building company, aimed at applying pressure to some of the less affluent and older residents, to sell up and move, so that their properties can be redeveloped or turned into flats, for instance". "That's total rubbish", he said, "How could you think such a thing, in this day and age. These are responsible people who do a lot of work for the community, others have no right to blacken their good name".
UNEMPLOYED TO BE RENAMED, "INFORMAL EMPLOYEES"
 In a bid to reduce the town's unemployment figures, local Jobcentre managers have decided to rename unemployed people as, "Informal Employees", thus cutting the number of unemployed people in Llanelli to zero.
This drastic move comes after a report published by the Employment Service described the town's job market as, "Pitiful".
Although the official unemployment figures have dropped over the past few years, the report concluded that this was mainly due to people being encouraged to switch to other benefits, people with working partners being made to "jump through hoops" to claim benefit (many just give up), or just people being refused registration as unemployed because Jobcentre employees "didn't like the look of them".
Commenting on the report, Jobcentre manager, Linda Timeserver, told the Scar, "The report is completely biased in favour of reality. We reject all the conclusions stated. At no time have we refused to register people who we didn't like the look of. I know there have been times when, for administrative reasons, we have refused registration to some people, who for instance, have not bowed to a Client Advisor on first meeting them, but that is understandable in our view. We are entitled to refuse to register anybody who stands up for themselves".
"However, these allegations will be irrelevant when we rename the unemployed as 'Informal Employees'. It is a more modern and polite description for someone who does not work on a regular basis and one we think the people without jobs will appreciate".
One local man, who the Jobcentre refused to register as unemployed, called the report, "Timely and accurate". Raymond Burton told the Scar, "When I tried to claim Jobseekers allowance, the Jobcentre told me I couldn't because, I had a cousin who worked for three weeks in 1982".
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or bigoted, is purely a coincidence.
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