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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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PRINCE HARRY IN TROUBLE AGAIN
 Prince Harry, son of Prince Charles and the late Princess Diana (doesn't the very mention of her name make your heart flutter), is in more trouble, this week, after he attended a party wearing a nazi swastika armband.
Harry, who in the past has been criticised for underage drinking, smoking cannabis and fighting outside a nightclub (Editor: seems like a normal well balanced boy!), is said to have, "regretted his choice of clothing" and "apologises profusely", for his behaviour. He wishes it to be known that he does not "have any sympathies", with any extreme right wing views, such as those of the UK Independence party or Lloyds TSB.
His father, Prince Charles, has promised to punish Harry by making him help some "working class oiks" for a few days.
The Royal Family, which is German in origin, has always in the past denied nazi sympathies, although a spokesperson has admitted that the Queen once "goose stepped" in front of Nelson Mandela at a state dinner in his honour.
MICHAEL HOWARD UNVEILS HIS SPRING COLLECTION OF POLICIES
At a chique hotel in London, yesterday, Conservative party leader, Michael Howard unveiled his (spring, summer, autumn, winter: delete where applicable) collection of policies to win back the support of the country.
Parading down the catwalk were startling new creations based on the main Tory themes of law and order, wealth creation, immigration, common sense policies, tax cuts and trust in government.
First up was an ensemble in blue inspired by the Institute of Directors. Entitled, "The rich man's burden", it was meant to represent the debt we all owe to the special people in our society. To gasps of amazement in the crowd, the creation simply fell apart just after it was unveiled. "Very 1980s", some in the audience were heard to say.
Next was a very blue, not dark though, (old, rehashed, rewritten, rundown, burnt out: delete where applicable) policy on immigration. Very much based on previous creations, one observer said that it looked, "too much like a similar one that the British National party unveiled at their policy fashion show a few years ago".
After some further uninspired creations were presented to the audience of "boozed up" journalists, the penultimate policy was unveiled in a blaze of colour and fanfare, "common sense policies", strutted confidently down the catwalk, but soon slipped on a loose piece of reality and plunged headlong into the audience.
The final piece de résistance, was a tired old collage of 1980s kitsch and 1930s third reich. Titled, "tax cuts", many Tories before the show, thought that this had the best chance of success. Unfortunately the director of the show, Michael Howard, forgot to provide enough money for the policy to be properly made and it soon became apparent that it was too thin and manufactured from substandard material. "That won't sell on the high street", the Evening Standard fashion editor said.
So, another season's collection of Conservative policies have been unveiled to the public. I, like you dear reader, await with baited breath for next season when more (startling, boring, old hat, mind numbing, vomit enducing: delete where applicable) ideas are brought forth from the mind of Michael Howard.
FREEMASONS DECIDE TO OBEY THE LAW
An historic announcement was made, today, that from now on the Freemasons will obey the law just like any other citizen of the country. This unprecedented move by the Freemasons was initiated by the head of the South Wales branch of the order of the Freemasons, Grand Wazzock Brian Williams.
From the formation of the Freemasons, centuries ago, they have always considered themselves free to ignore laws, which did not match their aspirations. Since many of the "powers that be", such as, the police, magistrates, the judiciary etc have been Freemasons, they have had no problems pursuing this aim.
Grand Wazzock Williams told the Scar, "We realise that in the past we have had the freedom to ignore laws and to behave as though we run the country, but this changes from today. All Freemasons, in future, will obey every law in the land. From this day forward we will take our rightful place in society as guardians of probity and justice, except where planning applications are involved, of course".
"We promise not to influence court cases involving our members, not even when speeding tickets are involved. We will not use our influence to stop or undermine various corruption, fraud and abuse investigations. We cannot promise, however, that some Freemasons might not be tempted to influence public sector job applications. We cannot be expected to change overnight".
Grand Wazzock Williams' comments were endorsed by local Freemasons leader, High Dingbat Geoffrey Francis, "This is a great day for the order of the Freemasons. We face centuries of bad publicity to overcome, but we are sure we will prevail. We must 'roll up our trousers' and work hard to ensure our success".
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ALIENS ABDUCTED BY MICHAEL JACKSON
 There was chaos outside Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch in California, today, as Police officers tried to persuade the "king of pop", to release three aliens, which he had abducted.
The terrified aliens, whose spacecraft had crash-landed a mile from the ranch, had been abducted at gunpoint by Jackson and taken to his house. Police were called when a witness reported seeing, "strange lights" and hearing, "unearthly noises". The witness was reassured by the police that this was normal on Michael Jackson's ranch. After another witness reported the same occurrences, police decided to investigate further.
A standoff with the authorities is now inevitable, with Jackson and three hundred lawyers insisting that the aliens belong to him and the authorities demanding their release, so that they can be experimented on.
A message from the aliens smuggled out of the ranch, says that they would, "rather be experimented on, than to stay another minute with Wacko Jacko".
TSUNAMI RELATIVES BEG CLIFF RICHARD NOT TO SING
On hearing the news that Cliff Richard is going to sing on a charity record for the South Asia relief effort, relatives of the victims and organisations, such as Oxfam, have pleaded with him not to do so.
Former Radio 1 DJ Mike Read wrote the song called "God Didn't Mean To Do It, Honest!". It is due to be recorded soon.
The appeals come as the death toll from the earthquake and subsequent tidal wave, reached 150,000. With at least five million homeless and countless others whose lives have been wrecked.
An Oxfam spokesperson told the Scar, "The clear message from all those affected by this disaster, is that they have suffered enough, without having the added burden of hearing Cliff Richard singing another dreadful charity record. He should just give some money to the charity and encourage others to do the same".
Cliff is said to be inconsolable on hearing the message from Oxfam, "If God had thought it was wrong to record the song, he would have struck me dumb, never to sing again. I only wanted to...............................................".
BLAIR BACK FROM HOLIDAY AT LAST
 After much criticism in the media over the last week of his refusal to return to the UK after the Tsunami disaster, Prime Minister Tony Blair has finally returned from his holiday in Egypt. Critics charged that he should have returned immediately to coordinate the UK government's relief effort.
An unrepentant Tony Blair was in bullish mood, today, as he tackled his critics head on.
"People have suggested that I should have returned to the UK as soon as the disaster in southern Asia unfolded. They are completely wrong. I was too busy enjoying myself. Anybody would have preferred to stay on holiday in Egypt instead of coming back to the UK, with all it's cold and dismal weather. I am only human (Editor: allegedly!), after all", the Prime Minister told a press conference.
"I thought of returning as soon as I saw the devastation on TV, but I changed my mind, when the Egyptian President said he had arranged a karaoke party the same night. We did have a splendid time. My rendition of ,'The Tide is High', went down very well with our Egyptian hosts".
"I really enjoyed Egypt, especially the pyramids. I have now asked the Chancellor of the Exchequer to put aside enough money to build a pyramid in Hyde Park for my resting place, so that a grateful nation can pay tribute to me when I die".
"So, it is wrong to say that it would have been better to return from holiday. I was completely in touch with the situation. I was in constant communication with the hotel barman. He kept me well informed of the latest news concerning the disaster".
ROBBIE WILLIAMS SWINGS AT LAST
 On of the biggest talentless poseurs in the music business was hung at Bellmarsh prison, today. Robbie Williams, who had been found guilty of crimes against music, at the Old Bailey a few weeks ago, was swinging at last from the scaffold.
The sentence, which was carried out under the government's new anti-tosser laws, was gleefully witnessed by cheering crowds of real music lovers. "It has made my day", one Franz Ferdinand fan said.
Mega-mouth Williams who recorded such records as, "Swing When You're Winning", seemed, according to witnesses, to accept his fate. "It's a fair cop", he was overheard to say before the "big drop". Although many present thought he was miming to a backing track.
Next in line, in the coming weeks, for neck stretching are boy bands such as, Westlife and Blue. Rumours suggesting that Ronan Keating has been arrested for similar past crimes, have not been confirmed.
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