"CHARLES CANNOT BE QUEEN", SAYS ARCHBISHOP
he Archbishop of York, The Most Reverend and Right Honourable Dr David Hope, has announced that Prince Charles cannot become Queen after he marries Clymydia Parker Bowles.
This is the latest setback for the Prince in his wedding plans, which have been dogged by controversy ever since the announcement of the forthcoming marriage was made.
Clymydia Parker Bowles, sister of the former QPR and England soccer star, Stan Bowles, is said to be, "Incandesent", at hearing this latest glitch in their plans. She recently even had to leave an appearance on the TV program "Celebrity Ugly Club", after some stressful arguments with the organisers.
Prince Charles in now thought to be having second thoughts about, "the whole sorry business", as he told a palace courtier, "I sometimes wish I had been born an ordinary bloke, with an ordinary country mansion, with an ordinary rich mother".
PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
WAITS NO MORE
Story suggested by Nathalie Horner
 After over 1000 performances, a Burry Port actor ends his West End run this weekend. When Saturday's curtain falls, it will end John Owen-Jones's three-and-a-half years as Phantom Of The Opera.
In a statement the former Glan-y-Mor Comprehensive School pupil, said that he has been, "disappointed at the calibre of his co-stars in the stage production, in the past year".
"My co-stars have been getting more uglier and less talented. My last one came 124th in 'Pop Idol'. I have just had enough. It was a good idea for a stage production at the start, but things have been 'drawn out' too much. I think the last straw was when the director wanted me to read the national lottery results on stage. Although, I was grateful they let me sell bacon sandwiches to the audience in the intervals".
Mr Owen-Jones is no stranger to controversy. A few months ago he tortured a member of the audience, who had forgotten to turn off her mobile phone, with a red hot poker. He has also received plaudits from the critics, when he beat up Andrew Lloyd Webber, at a party last November.
The son of Burry Port butcher Elgan Jones, he is now planning a long deserved holiday.
BLAIR TELLS DISABLED TO, "PICK UP THY BED AND WORK"
 Prime Minister Tony Blair has outlined plans for getting more people off incapacity benefit and into meaningless work.
Mr Blair, speaking in Manchester said, "Those who play by the rules get the help, those who don't play by the rules should start playing by the rules, but this, of course, depends on which rules the government chooses to apply".
"We cannot have the situation where a sizeable proportion of people in this country, are not contributing to society and I don't mean company directors and managers. Incapacity benefit is draining the country's resources to such an extent, that if the current level continues, we will not be able to fund a war for the next fifty years, at least".
"So the government, well me actually, have decided to make the sick and disabled look for jobs. I know many people have said that there are not the jobs available, but this is plainly mistaken. For instance, there is a shortage of motorway cones at the moment, so in certain places the sick and disabled could be used instead".
"We reject any criticism that we are hard hearted or mean. The simple truth is that, the sick and disabled must be brought back into the world of work. It is for their own good. We are just being kind to them. It is a different type of kindness, than say, giving them enough money to live in dignity, but dignity is not everything. Meaningless work can be more important. Just ask call centre workers".
"This is an important piece of the five-year plan for welfare reform. Next will be similar measures affecting the asylum seekers, the mentally handicapped and gypsies and who knows, in a few years time we might have saved enough money to invade Poland".
GOVERNMENT TO FORCE
HOUSEHOLDERS TO MAKE CUPS OF TEA FOR BURGLARS
In a startling new twist to the argument over the rights of householders in dealing with burglars, the government has announced that from now on every householder, confronted with a burglar breaking into their home, will be obliged to make a cup of tea for the intruder.
In the announcement, Home Office Minister, Grant Threewishes, told a stunned House of Commons, that the government is to bring in new legislation, "spelling out the rights and responsibilities of householders who are burgled".
Amongst the other new measures are laws, which ban householders from raising their voices in the presence of a burglar and another, preventing householders from locking their doors and windows. On the other hand, burglars will be banned from asking for more than two biscuits with their statutory cup of tea.
The Home Office Minister said that, "These new laws will redress the balance between the obligations of the householder and the rights of the burglar". A commons amendment to give burglars the choice of tea or coffee is to be voted on tomorrow.
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POLICE BLAME ELEPHANTS FOR ROOF DAMAGE
 Local police have blamed elephants, for incidents of damage to roofs in the Llanelli area, recently. The elephants are thought to be the same ones who escaped from a private zoo, near Ammanford, three weeks ago.
Inspector L.O.L.O.L.O. Watts in a statement said, "We have reason to believe that these elephants are responsible for the damage to roofs in the town. I know that sounds far-fetched, but we have evidence that cannot be questioned".
Asked why nobody had heard the elephants, he said, "We have had reports that they have been tip-toeing across the roofs. That is why nobody heard them. We have no idea why these elephants are on the roofs, but it seems logical to us that they are doing it to evade capture".
"We can assure the people of Llanelli that we will do everything in our power to catch these animals, before they do anymore damage. We have issued all our officers, photos of similar elephants, so that they may recognise them quicker".
"The people of the town should not worry. Crimes by elephants are very rare, although naturally, they should not be approached".
IMMIGRANTS TO FACE
GULLIBILITY TEST
The government has announced that from next month, new immigrants to the UK will face a "gullibility" test before entering the country. The announcement comes as the political parties try to outdo each other on increasingly tough immigration policies, in the run up to the general election.
Home office minister, Richard Gurbels, speaking on the BBC said, "We have decided to test all new immigrants to this country on their gullibility. The test will consist of various straightforward questions. If they answer 'yes' to all of them, they will be allowed to stay in the UK. If not, they will be deported immediately".
"If they answer 'Yes' to all the following questions they will be admitted":
- Would you pay a plumber £200 for a simple easy job
- Would you drive 30 miles to a petrol station that has 1p off per litre
- Does low paid part-time work lead to high paid full-time work
- Do longer drinking hours mean less drunkenness
- Do more out of town superstores benefit town centres
- Is junk food healthy and nutritious
- Can a person smoking a cigarette kill someone 10 miles away
- Did Saddam Hussein have weapons of mass destruction
- Is a finger of fudge just enough to give your kids a treat
D.I.Y STORE SAYS F.U.
TO LOCAL JOB SEEKERS
 Following the alleged farce of the new C&R superstore recruitment open day at the local Jobcentre, where job seekers were told that there were, "a whole range of jobs available", store bosses have reacted strongly to complaints that, all the good jobs in the new store, have already gone, or are not available to the town's job seekers.
A spokesperson for C&R told the Scar, "We strongly deny that there is a policy of keeping all the good jobs at the new store, away from local people. It was just a coincidence that we happened to have applicants from our other stores, who wished to move to this superb town".
"There are plenty of other jobs available for local people in the new C&R superstore. There are vacancies for, temporary part time assistant shelf fillers, part time assistant shelf fillers, assistant shelf fillers and shelf fillers. You see there are plenty of good opportunities for local people. We deny that we are seeking to take advantage of the poor job market in the town".
"The new workforce can expect among other things, superb pensions. Although, of course, if we get into financial difficulty, the pensions will not be worth a penny, but the staff should expect that in this day and age. We look forward to a profitable time in the town".
A local job seeker who attended the open day commented, "It is great news that C&R have decided to take advantage of local people instead of someone else. Everybody involved should be congratulated for encouraging C&R to come here. These are exciting times for the town ".
TOWN SOLD ON EBAY
FOR 99 PENCE
Llanelli was in shock, today, when it was announced that the town had been sold on Ebay, the Internet auction website, for 99 pence. The anonymous buyer, who is thought to be living in Cambridge, was said to be, "thrilled", at winning the auction.
The Internet auction, which had been running for the past week, only attracted two bidders. Llanelli was auctioned on Ebay by Carmarthenshire County Council, who defended their decision by saying, "since most services have been moved out of the town, over the last few years, we thought it would be better if Llanelli be auctioned off, so that we don't have to bother with the town again".
Civic leaders are said to be, "glad", that the town found a buyer. "We look forward to working with the new owner of the town. We also would like to thank Carmarthenshire County Council for their sterling work, over the years, which benefited the town enormously" (Editor: ha!).
According to reports, the anonymous buyer plans to demolish the whole of the town centre and rebuild it as one big superstore surrounded by a giant car park, so no change there then. He also plans to build a statue of himself by the town hall, next to the statue of the leader of Carmarthenshire Council.
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