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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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MICHAEL HOWARD TO DEPORT HIMSELF IF HE WINS
Tory leader, Michael Howard, has vowed to deport himself if he wins the General Election on May 5th.
After much criticism of his party's hard line against immigrants and asylum seekers over the past few months, he has decided there are to be no exceptions to the new laws, if he becomes Prime Minister.
Michael Howard, whose own father was turned away from Britain as an illegal immigrant after arriving by boat and who has admitted that his grandfather "might have" been an illegal immigrant, will wait nervously for the results of the General Election, over Thursday night and Friday morning.
A statement from the Tory leader read, "There must be no exceptions to the new laws, if we win the Election. We must adhere to the rules, if we didn't there would be chaos. Therefore, as soon as the result confirming that we have won is announced, I will be handcuffed, bundled into a van, rushed to Heathrow Airport and put on a plane back to Romania, where my family came from. Only then will people see we are serious about controlling immigration".
FATHER JACK IS NEW POPE
 At long last the Cardinals in Rome have chosen a successor to the late Pope, John Paul. The new Pope is to be Father Jack Hackett of Craggy Island(Ireland).
Father Jack who has served the Catholic Church faithfully for over sixty years, has chosen the name of, Pope Guinness the First and was received ecstatically by the crowds in St Peter's square when his name was announced. They chanted, "Long live the Pope" and "who? You must be joking!".
Pope Guinness is said to be "thrilled" at being chosen and is "looking forward" to starting his great work immediately. At least that is what a spokesman told reporters. It seems the new Pope has a limited vocabulary of only a few words - "feck off", "drink", "arse" and a few others.
A Vatican spokesman told the Scar, "One of the first things that the new Pope is going to do is to throw all those filthy nuns, or as the Pope described them, 'those fecking penguins' out of the Catholic Church(Editor: about time to!), since he believes that they are a corrupting influence on the young. He thinks that it is much better to have a male only Church".
The Pope has appointed an assistant from his old days at Craggy Island, Father Dougal McGuire. Pope Guinness specifically requested him, asking a Cardinal, "Where is that fecking gobshite?".
REFORMERS DEMAND A POPE WHO IS A ONE LEGGED BLACK LESBIAN VEGETARIAN
Reformist Cardinals meeting in Rome to choose a new pope have said that they would like to see someone elected who is, "more in touch with the modern world, than John Paul the second".
"The ideal candidate", said one, "would be a one legged black lesbian vegetarian. Only then can the Catholic Church move on from the past and be more relevant to people's lives in the 21st century".
"The church, which has been beset by scandals in recent years, including paedophile priests and plans by some to re-introduce the Spanish Inquisition(Editor: nobody expected that!), must show itself to be more relevant than other religions. Quite frankly, I think more people believe in Dr Who than in God, these days. Dr Who has a better looking assistant, anyway".
The reformers face an uphill battle for their views to be heard, especially after one of them admitted to admiring women volleyball players.
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GOVERNMENT RELEASES IRAQ WAR ADVICE
After many weeks of pressure, the UK government has released the secret advice it had received before it went to war with Iraq. The Scar has obtained a copy of the crucial letter presented to the cabinet by the Attorney General:
So, we have the truth at last. Whether it will affect the credibility of Tony Blair or the result of the General Election is anyone's guess.
SURPRISE WITNESS CALLED IN MICHAEL JACKSON TRIAL
 In a significant legal setback for the prosecution case in the Michael Jackson trial, Judge Rodney Melville allowed the defence to call a surprise witness.
A shocked California courtroom gasped in astonishment when former Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein, took the stand to give evidence on Jackson's behalf. Saddam was a regular guest at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch during the 1980's.
Speaking in a confident voice, Saddam told the court that, "At no time did I see my great friend, Michael, sexually assault any boy that visited him. I did see some boys being fed to the guard dogs because they had been naughty, but that is normal behaviour, where I come from".
On cross-examination, Saddam Hussein said that he had, "Known Michael Jackson a long time. I even knew him when he was black and had a nose. Allah has blessed this man, I can assure you that at no time did Michael behave inappropriately with a boy. I know he is a bit of a weirdo, but that is expected for one who has lived all his life in the USA. If the jury find him guilty, Allah will roast their stomachs in hell".
The trial continues with more witnesses to be called.
LOCAL MAN MISLAYS READING GLASSES
 Police were called to a house in Belvedere Road on Friday, when a man reported that he had mislaid his reading glasses.
The man, who is 63, telephoned the police after realising that his reading glasses were missing. After a long search, in which police dogs were used, the man's spectacles were found. The Scar cannot confirm that the Police helicopter was scrambled to join in the search.
This serious incident is the latest in a number of similar occurrences to affect men of a certain age in the town. A spokesperson for the police told the Scar, "This was a serious incident. Luckily nobody was hurt. This is a timely reminder of the dangers that householders in this town face. All residents must be vigilant".
The man, who cannot be named for embarrassing reasons, is said to be "doing well", by his doctor. He is expected to make a full recovery.
WELSH ASSEMBLY TO APPOINT MINISTER FOR PAPER CLIPS
Reacting to the growing criticism about the state of the NHS in Wales, Welsh Assembly First Minister, Rhodri Morgan, has decided to create a new ministerial post to improve the situation.
The new post of Minister in Charge of Paper Clips will be created next month, to tackle the current crisis in the Health Service.
In a statement from Rhodri Morgan's office issued today(Editor: in triplicate, no doubt!), the First Minister said, "We have seen untold improvements in the Health Service in Wales, since the Welsh Assembly came about, but at this point in time we feel that this is the ideal moment to appoint a new minister to deal with certain deficiencies in the system. Therefore, I have decided to appoint a new Minister in Charge of Paper Clips. This is a very important post, which will be both challenging and time consuming for the appropriate candidate. Paper clips are an important part of the NHS in Wales. Let us not forget that".
"You can spend as much as you like on the Health Service in Wales, but that is wasted money, if there is no one to count the paper clips being used. This decision will improve the NHS enormously. In five years you will not be able recognise it".
There is a shortlist of three for the new appointment. The favourite is ex-Health Minister, Jane Hutt. She is thought to be the best qualified for the job.
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to allegations against the stupid, ignorant, evil, greedy
or bigoted, is purely a coincidence.
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