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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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ROSS KEMP BEATEN UP BY 10 YEAR OLD NIECE
After last week's news that actor, Ross (Editor: Big girl's blouse!) Kemp had been attacked by his girlfriend, it has emerged that the he is currently in intensive care at a London hospital after being beaten up by his 10 year old niece, Natasha.
Kemp, who recently returned to the BBC soap, Eastenders, as moody hardman Grunt Mitchell, has been famous for his "macho" roles on TV, including the SAS drama, Ultimate Farce.
The actor had an argument with his niece in front of shocked shoppers in Croydon high street yesterday. Kemp wanted to take 10 year old Natasha to Pizza Hut, but the youngster wanted to go to McDonalds. An argument took place, then in front of an amazed crowd, Natasha beat up the Eastenders veteran, knocking him out.
Kemp's niece then phoned for an ambulance from her mobile (Editor: It shows that the view that children shouldn't have mobiles, is utter nonsense). A hospital spokesperson confirmed that Ross Kemp is in intensive care, is barely conscious and hardly able to speak (Editor:No change there then!). His niece, Natasha, is said to be, "Sad that her uncle is in hospital, but he deserved a slap being such a tosser".
COUNCIL TO GIVE EMPLOYEES FREE COLONIC IRRIGATION
Reacting to complaints alleging that council officials are, "full of s**t", the local council is to offer all it's employees free colonic irrigation sessions.
Council leaders have moved swiftly(Editor: Ha!) to minimize the damage caused by certain of their employees over the past few years, concerning future regeneration plans for the town. The money to pay for the colonic irrigation sessions is to be paid from a special, "slush fund"(Editor: Groan!), set up by the council a few years ago after the Burry Port harbour debacle.
Council leader, Muriel Chippings, said yesterday, "We have listened to the concerns of the local community. In the past, we have ignored such concerns, but now we feel it is time to promote a more, 'people friendly' atmosphere, on the council. That is why the colonic irrigation sessions, is just one phase of a new action plan, which will transform the way in which we deal with the local community".
"We realise the there have been many complaints about the council's future plans and the time they are taking, but the council's vision for the town will soon be apparent to everybody".
Asked whether Welsh Water will have completed repairing the town's main sewer by the time that the colonic irrigation sessions are due to start, Council Leader Chippings said, "Who cares!"
ANOTHER HOODIE BAN ANNOUNCED
Reacting to the "Hoodie" bans, banning people wearing hoods, in other parts of the country, St Elli shopping centre bosses and the local council, have decided to go further.
From July 1st all uncircumcised men will be banned from the town's main shopping centre. This drastic step has been taken by the authorities to curb so called "anti-social" cavalier(Editor: groan!) behaviour by a minority in the town.
Special "hoodie" inspectors will be placed at the entrance to the shopping centre, to see if anybody flouts the new ban.
St Elli manager, Clive Jennings, told the Scar, "This decision will considerably increase the safety and comfort of shoppers in the town centre. After all, if you have got nothing to hide, you have got nothing to fear. We expect people to come clean".
Richard Lewis, head of the pressure group, "Hoodies against prejudice", said in a statement, "We regret the Llanelli authorities new ban. We ask that they pull back from the brink on this matter".
MONKS TO BE BANNED FROM TOWN CENTRES
 As part of the government's crackdown on anti-social behaviour in our towns and cities, monks are to be banned from all town centre shopping areas.
The new laws, which come into effect in September, ban all "hoodies" from shopping centres, which police believe people wear to disguise themselves from identification.
A government spokesperson said, "We believe if we take this action, all town centres will be safer places for everybody". The police were in agreement, as long as they didn't have to do anything to enforce the ban.
A local shopper told the Scar, "I think it is a good idea. These monks are an absolute menace. They come into the town in the afternoon and congregate at the benches outside the candle shop. There they stay, drinking their mead, jostling and abusing passers by. It is about time someone did something about them".
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FIRST BIRD FLU VICTIM CONFIRMED
 Health officials have announced that a man admitted to the local hospital, yesterday, has been confirmed as the town's first Bird Flu victim.
The victim, Mr Richard Griffiths from the Havard Road area of the town, is said to be, "in a stable condition, but is not yet out of the woods". Mr Griffiths(32) was admitted to hospital after feeling, "bloody awful". His G.P, Mary Gravelle, immediately informed the hospital authorities, after visiting him(Editor: Visiting! It must have been serious for her to do that!).
Mr Griffiths is, what is expected to be, the first of many such victims of the dreaded Bird Flu, which originated in China and has been the source of much fear, especially among the journalists of the Sun newspaper and the ITN TV news.
Special precautions have been taken at the local hospital, including giving Mr Griffiths his own trolley, which had been wiped down with an oily rag a few months ago. The trolley was then placed in a deserted corridor, which nobody could find without a map.
Spokesperson for the hospital, Dan Dan the Admin man, told the Scar, "We are taking all necessary precautions to stop the spread of this foul(Editor: Groan!)disease. We have employed another cleaner, although it is only for a few hours, since she has to clean Bryngwyn school in the mornings, but it all helps. We are confident that Mr Griffiths will have the best of care that this hospital can give, if we remember where we put him. I know some will say, 'What's the point, he is going to die anyway', but it's the thought that counts and it will also reassure the rest of the town's population".
LLANELLI RAPPER TOPS CHARTS
 A Llanelli rapper has, this week, topped the music charts for the first time.
50 Pence, 87 year old Gwylym Price from Globe Road in Dafen, is said to be "thrilled" at his new number one, "Mutha****ing kids have smashed my greenhouse again".
Price(50 Pence) whose other chart hits have included, "My bitch's booty is like a prune", "Meals on wheels ain't no substitute", "That bitch is so ugly, I wish I had cataracts" and "Magic eye - my ass", celebrated in style, last night at the Diplomat hotel.
The aged rapper started recording rap music after his grandson took him to see a Beastie Boys concert. Since then he impressed record company executives with his lyrics and music, so much, that they gave him a lifetime contract.
Neighbours in Dafen commenting on 50 Pence said, "Old t**t" and "We don't particularly like him, we prefer younger singers like Tom Jones".
RADIO STATION APOLOGISES FOR PLAYING MODERN MUSIC
 Local radio station, "Red FM", has apologised to it's listeners after a modern contemporary record was played over the airwaves on Friday night.
The station, whose motto is, "All the hits you have heard god knows how many times before", is said to be deeply ashamed at what it sees as an, "unfortunate hike in standards".
The dj responsible for playing the record, Rick "Risky" Richards, is said to be devastated by his mistake. The record, "Boy Kill Boy" by Suzie, which was recently released, was played on Rick's show last Friday night.
Station manager, Colin French, told the Scar, "We are deeply sorry that a new record was mistakenly played on the Rick 'Risky' Richards show. The dj in question has been reprimanded. We can assure our regular listeners that this incident will not be repeated. Listeners can look forward to our usual playlist from now on. They can rest assured that we will be playing all the hit records by, Phil Collins, Madonna, Phil Collins, Nick Kershaw, Phil Collins, Diana Ross and Phil Collins".
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