 |
|
|
|
Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
|
COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
|
|
|
|
LLANELLI BIG BROTHER HOUSE IN TURMOIL
There has been tremendous turmoil all week in the Llanelli Big Brother House in People's Park.
The trouble started when one of the inmates, local health chief Martin Morris, demanded that the whole house be moved to Carmarthen. There were further arguments when another, local council chief executive, Mark "Brunel" James (he was nicknamed "Brunel" after he tried to "railroad" through the new Scarlets stadium development) wanted to demolish the Big Brother House and build 450 new houses to replace it
The other inmates, who include local councilors, Jim Jones, John Jenkins and Diane Darby and rugby legends Delme Thomas and Ray Gravell, were horrified at the suggestions from the two. "It is appalling that they thought of it before me", said Jim Jones.
Big Brother House inmates have been kept occupied during the week performing various tasks such as "pinning the blame on others", which was very popular with all the local councilors and "spot the police officer". (Editor: Try this at home. It's always fun for the kids)
What no one has worked out, so far, is how councilor Jim Jones has managed to appear on all 12 Big Brother House cameras 24 hours a day. The quietest inmate has been Diane Darby who, true to form, likes to be seen, but hasn't said much about anything.
Rugby legend Ray Gravell was in tears, Tuesday, when his hero, Delme Thomas, asked if he wanted a cup of tea. "It was one of the most emotional speeches I have ever heard", said Ray.
The big question is, who will be evicted on Friday. The favourite is local councilor, John Jenkins, because he has been evicted from virtually everything else in the past few years.
CHUCKLE BROTHERS TO APPEAR AT SADDAM TRIAL
 Today in Iraq, just as everybody thought the trial of Saddam Hussein couldn't get any more surreal, Saddam's chief lawyer, Khaled al-Dulaimi, called the Chuckle Brothers, Barry and Paul Chuckle, to appear as character witnesses next week.
Anarchic BBC comedians Barry and Paul Chuckle (aka Elliott), although born and brought up in Rotherham, were adopted in 1987 by Saddam Hussein after he attended one of their concerts in Darlington(England). Saddam renamed them Barry and Paul al-Tikriti. The brothers were frequent visitors to Iraq in the subsequent years, even though Saddam's real sons issued death threats against them.
The newly-appointed chief judge, Raouf Abdel-Rahman, who asserted his control on Sunday with a series of expulsions, allowed the calling of the brothers as character witnesses, to the disgust of the prosecution lawyer, Jaafar al-Moussawi. The prosecution complained that the Chuckle Brothers were allegedly involved in the gassing of the Kurdish village of Halabja and would not be proper witnesses to call.
VANDALS EXECUTED AT LAST
The vandals that have plagued the Old Road, New Road area, have been executed at last, by a local residents committee.
The hangings took place in Furnace Square, in front of a cheering crowd of their victims. The gang of vandals, before they were hanged, were tortured with blowlamps applied to their private parts, a procedure voted on by the local residents beforehand (Editor: Democracy in action!). Some had wanted to torture them with chainsaws, but this was thought to be too extreme (Editor: Shame!).
The area of Old Road/New Road had been subjected to various acts of vandalism over a period of a few weeks, including damage to parked cars and damage to the fronts of houses. The vandals were eventually caught by a group of local residents. "It was easy", said one, "one of the gang wore a distinctive white 'hoodie', we soon found out where in Furnace they lived".
Commenting on the execution, a spokesperson for the local police, L.O.L.O.L.O. Watts, told the Scar, "It is a very sad day that the residents took the law into their own hands. We cannot stress enough that law and order should be left to the police". Asked why the police did not catch the vandals, the spokesperson said, "It was dark and we mislaid our torch".
TORIES CHOOSE NEW LEADER FOR 2009 ELECTION DEFEAT
 David Cameron has been chosen as the new leader of the Conservative party by a margin of more than two to one over early front runner, David Dickinson. The 39-year-old beat rival Mr Dickinson by 134,446 votes to 64,398 in a postal ballot of Tory members across the UK, for the opportunity to lead the party to defeat in the 2009 General Election.
The Old Etonian, an MP for only four years, said: "I want us to give our country a modern compassionate Conservatism and not the nasty, bigoted, racist party, that was elected in the past. One of our first priorities is to choose more women candidates for the next election. We must champion women's issues. That is why I have given the party organisers instructions to buy in scones and cakes for our fundraising events, instead of expecting the women to make them".
"We must also appeal more to the ethnic minorities that have so foolishly been born in this country. Our policies must reflect the diversity of our country's population. It shouldn't matter if you were born in Woking or Esher. You deserve the same opportunities in life. You have the same rights to a privileged education. The same rights to private healthcare. The same opportunities to fiddle your taxes and VAT. In short, we need a country where all the right people prosper".
One of the new leader's shadow cabinet appointments, chief rival for the leadership, David Dickinson, who has been appointed shadow chancellor, echoed Mr Cameron's sentiments. "We have a solemn duty to make this country a better place to live in. We must show that we can run the public services better that Labour. When we are elected, the country will have a national health service that will be as, 'Cheap as chips'. That must be our aim".
|
 |
"WESTLIFE CD AMNESTY A SUCCESS", SAY POLICE
The recent Westlife CD amnesty, whereby people could hand their CDs into the Police Station, "no questions asked", has been an "Enormous success", say the Police.
The amnesty is the government's latest measure to tackle the increase in damage caused to the community by dangerously bland music. It is another step in the fight against the watering down of culture. At the latest count 300,000 Westlife CD's have been handed in across the UK and a further 23 in Ireland.
Westlife manager, Louis Walsh, who is serving a five year prison sentence under the government's anti-tosser laws, said the the amnesty was, "Unnecessary and draconian", saying," Westlife's music was cutting edge Rock and Roll, even better than Des O' Connor's music, and was never bland".
Police also reported that they had to turn away crowds of people who wanted to hand in their Will Young CD's, "We just didn't have enough room for them", said Police.
MING THE MERCILESS ELECTED LEADER OF LIBERAL DEMOCRATS
 Emperor Ming of the planet Mongo, Ming the Merciless, has won the contest to succeed Charles Kennedy as leader of the Liberal Democrats, scooping 57% of votes in the final round of balloting, beating newcomer Chris Huhne and party president Simon Hughes in a three-horse race.
Ming the Merciless - 23,264
Chris Huhne - 16,691
Simon Hughes - 12,081
He told supporters: "Today's a victory not for me but for all Liberal Democrats. We have confounded our critics who wrote us off". In an exclusive interview with the Scar, the new leader put forward his plans for the future.
"You are doomed earthmen. Your puny planet will be reduced to a cinder. But first, as the new leader of the Liberal Democrats, I will be pressing the government to introduce free long term care for the elderly. It is a scandal in a modern democracy that people have to sell their homes to pay for proper long term care. Your cities will be destroyed and the human race will be made slaves to serve the mighty Emperor Ming. But, not before proportional representation is introduced in the UK to make general elections fairer".
"Flash will not save you, this time, neither will Cillit Bang".
BLAIR CRACKS DOWN ON NUISANCE NEIGHBOUR
 The government's crackdown on anti-social behaviour and nuisance neighbours, took a surprise twist, yesterday, when Tony Blair's neighbour in Downing Street, Chancellor Gordon Brown, was served with an Anti-Social Behaviour Order(ASBO).
It seems that Mr Blair has not been happy recently, with Mr Brown's behaviour, especially late at night, when the Chancellor after a night on the town, stands outside number ten shouting, "Time to go, you English bastard". There have also been reports of Mr Brown throwing up on Tony Blair's doorstep and urinating over the number ten cat.
The ASBO was served by an official of Westminster Council, who has some difficulty getting an answer at the Chancellor of the Exchequer's residence at eleven Downing Street. When he first knocked the door, he heard someone shouting something that sounded like, "Park cough". After many similar noises, eventually someone answered the door.
This is the first ASBO to be served on a politician. We are more used to seeing yobs, drunks, vandals, management consultants etc getting them.
WHAT A GAY DAY
The Town's shirt lifters and rug munchers will celebrate Llanelli's first gay civil partnership, on Saturday. Ivan Pullov and Ernest Rimmer from Coleshill Terrace will "tie the knot" in the local Registrar's office.
Permission to enter into a civil partnership was given after a recent change in the law. Under the law, couples who want to form a partnership must register their intentions with local councils. However, unlike marriages, the signing of the legal partnership papers does not need to happen in public. The law gives gay and lesbian partners the same legal rights, such as inheritance rights and rights to be the next of kin, as normal people. Whether they will have the same rights to live in a partnership where they will be nagged and humiliated 24 hours a day, is anybody's guess(Editor: OK, enough about your marriage!).
The happy couple told the Scar, "We are thrilled to be allowed to express our love for each other in a civil partnership. We realise that some people will be offended, but we feel that they will come to understand that we are just normal people who wish to be happy in life. If they still moan, we shall scream and scream until we are sick". They will spend their "honeymoon" in the well known "gay resort" of Ammanford.
The town's Registrars are expecting many more such partnerships in the coming months, said one, "We have had a lot of queries about civil partnerships, especially from outlying districts of the town. We never knew there were so many poofs in Felinfoel".
|
|
|
|
This is a satire website. Any story that seems connected
to allegations against the stupid, ignorant, evil, greedy
or bigoted, is purely a coincidence.
|
|
