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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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LOCAL DOCTOR IN HOME VISIT SHOCK
 The town's Community Health Council announced that it was investigating claims that a local Doctor, actually visited a patient in her own home, to carry out an examination.
The patient, an elderly woman with no transport who had been suffering from "Shingles" for over five weeks, telephoned the local Refda Health Centre and asked if a Doctor could call to see her because the condition was worsening. The Doctor then visited the woman, examined her, than gave her the medication to relieve her condition.
A spokesperson for the Redfa Medical Group told the Scar, "We apologise for the behaviour of the Doctor. He should have known the rules. We can assure all our patients that home visits are unacceptable in the modern NHS".
Community Health Council Chairperson, Marilyn Morris, declined to comment on the incident, except to say that these occurrences were, "Very rare".
EX POT NOODLE MINERS WIN COMPENSATION
 After a long struggle with the National Noodle Board, ex Pot Noodle Miners have won their case for compensation, in a judgment by the High Court, today.
The claim that mining the Pot Noodle had affected the miners health, which caused a condition known as, "Noodle Coniosis", that changed the shape of the miners skulls, was accepted by the Judges.
This historic judgment is the culmination of years of pressure by the ex miners, their lawyers and their supporters. "It is a historic day", said one ex miner, Peter Saunders(pictured right), "All of us have suffered with our health from mining the raw Pot Noodle. Not only mining, but eating the stuff,as well". Some two hundred ex miners have a condition known as "Vibration white tongue". This is thought to have been caused by eating overheated Pot Noodle.
The ammount of compensation, which will be announced on Friday, is thought to be in the hundreds of millions of pounds. A spokesperson for the National Noodle Board said, "We are extremely disappointed with this judgment. We had done everything in our power to protect our employees from the effects of Pot Noodle mining. We are sure that our modern mining techniques are the safest in the world. We will be meeting, in the next few days, to decide whether to appeal".
CAMERON HOT AIR TO POWER 20000 HOMES
 In an announcement, today, Conservative Party leader, David Cameron, is to contribute all the hot air from his speeches to a new power station, which will heat and light 20,000 homes in his Witney constituency.
This new innovation will is seen to be reinforcing his green credentials in the wake of disappointing opinion poll numbers.
David("one is just an ordinary chap")Cameron hopes this announcement will silence those green critics who are unhappy that, although he rides a bike to the house of commons, he has to have bodyguards following him in a car. The new power station is to be built by the Carlysle Group, on the site of a disused silver spoon factory and will take ten months to complete.
A spokesperson for the National Grid said, "This is a marvelous opportunity to show the country that renewable energy works. David Cameron only has to make one speech about immigration, one speech about taxation and one speech about education per month, to provide the power station with enough hot air to power an estimated 20,000 homes in Oxfordshire".
PANIC IN TOWN AS BIG BRIGHT YELLOW THING SEEN IN SKY
 There was panic in Llanelli on Tuesday afternoon, when a big bright yellow thing was seen in the sky above the town. People rushed out of shops and their work places to gaze in amazement and fear at the wondrous sight.
"It was like something out of a movie", said local woman Irene Thomas, "I've never seen anything like it". "Was it a UFO?", another woman asked. Terry James from Walters Road, told a Scar reporter, "I remember my grandfather telling us that he had seen the big bright yellow thing many years ago, when he was young, but I thought he was suffering from dementia. I never thought in a millions years, that he was telling the truth".
Local historian, Glyn Lewis, said, "Although this is hard to believe, this is not the first time that the big bright yellow thing has been seen over Llanelli. There are historical reports of it being seen regularly, especially in June, July and August. It is amazing, that it is happening again".
The big bright yellow thing remained in the sky for minutes, "I never thought I would see it again, in my lifetime", said retired Council worker, Ron Shivel. Brian Milchester of Spowart Avenue said, "I blame Gordon Brown. This would never have happened if he had not imposed all those stealth taxes".
The amazing sight did not last long, however, normality resumed and people put their hats and scarves back on.
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COUNCIL STAFF TO GET NEW UNIFORMS
 The local Council has announced that all it's staff will have a new uniform, in the next few months.
The final decision was taken at a meeting, yesterday, of the Council's, "nothing better to do" committee. It is thought that the new uniform will "project a new and unique image of Council staff".
The new uniform was designed by, design consultant Felix Ressot of Johnstown. Mr Ressot told the Scar, "After I was asked by the Council to design the new uniform, I sought inspiration by interviewing the employees of various Council departments. I found it surprisingly easy to come up with plenty of ideas for a design. I finally chose the uniform, after I had interviewed the staff of the planning and building control departments. I think the new uniform superbly projects the values and commitment of a Council official".
The launch of the new uniform was welcomed by Council leader, Stuart Gallagher Muriel Chippings. "It is a historic day for the Council", she told the Scar, "from now on, all Council staff will be instantly recognizable by the public. There will be no more confusion, everybody will be able to see, in an instant, that they are dealing with a Council official".
WESTERN MAIL JOURNALISTS GET THEIR WISH
 After Wales' disappointing Rugby World Cup loss to Fiji, it seems that Western Mail journalists and the rugby "chattering classes" from the leafy streets of Cowbridge and Llandaff, have got their wish, after the Welsh Rugby Union announced that coach Gareth Jenkins, has been sacked.
This is not the first time that a famous son of Llanelli has had to put up with criticism and sniping from the men from the "golden city". If you are as old as me, and very few people are, you will remember countless times over the last 40 years of rugby history, when Llanelli players were undermined, to enhance the careers of both Cardiff journalists and players.
In the early 1970's when Phil Bennett was king, there was an orchestrated campaign against him by the same type of people who recently have criticised Gareth Jenkins. The player who they wanted to replace him, was Cardiff fly half Keith James, a man who kicked more balls than a Pontypridd police sergeant. It worked for a while, when Phil was dropped in favour of the late Aberavon fly half, John Bevan, but Phil came back with a bang, playing in the 1976 and 1978 grand slam teams.
In the 1980's it was Ray Gravell's turn to receive the "treatment" from the Western Mail and their allies. The beneficiary being, young inexperienced Cardiff centre Mark Ring, who on his debut for Wales, treated the ball like a hot potato and followed in Keith James' footsteps, by kicking the ball into the stand at every opportunity. More recently it was the campaign to drop Stephen Jones, from the Welsh team.
Over the years there seems a policy of, "if in doubt, drop a Llanelli man and play a Cardiff man".
It is therefore, no surprise that Gareth Jenkins has been sacked. It seems that from day one, certain journalists, WRU bureaucrats and certain senior players were against him.("What's it all about Alfie!"). What does surprise me is that Gareth Jenkins had the fortitude to put up with the nonsense, a less passionate man would have quit while the going was good, after the win against England.
The next Welsh rugby coach should remember the "treatment" given to Gareth. The Welsh rugby team coaching job has always been seen as a "poison chalice", but recently it seems that a chalice is not big enough for the men from the "golden city", they have made it a crude bucket.
Update: Interesting link - http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/5302250.stm
POLICE ARREST MAN FOR NOT BOWING TO STUART GALLAGHER
 After an incident near Sandy bridge on Wednesday, local police have confirmed they have arrested a man for not bowing to Llanelli Scarlets chief executive, Stuart Gallagher.
Pembrey road resident, Miles Hopkins, was arrested after he refused to bow when Stuart Gallagher's car passed him. Chauffeur, Mark James, immediately informed the police, who promptly arrived at the scene(Editor: now there's a first!). Hopkins was arrested under a new by-law passed by the local council, last month, which makes it an offence not to bow to anybody connected with the new Scarlets stadium development.
Local police told the Scar, "Everybody knows what the new law entails, so there is no excuse for ignorance".
The new law was passed by the council, who have been under fierce criticism over recent planning decisions. "We are fed up of people moaning about the new housing development on Stradey Park. People must realise, we are special people who are doing a difficult job on behalf of ourselves and the Scarlets", said a council spokesperson.
IS MY DOCTOR A TERRORIST?
 After the recent botched car bomb attacks on London and Glasgow by extremist NHS clinicians, many people in the country are asking themselves, "Is my doctor a terrorist?".
Many similarities between the useless planning of the terrorists and the state of the NHS have been evident over the past few days. It is now known that one of the cars used that was left in London, was parked illegally and that the bomb was only found after the car was being towed away. A few pounds put in the parking meter and the car would have raised no suspicion whatsoever.
Let us take a close look at similarity between doctors and terrorists in the last few years.
One, they are hard to find on weekends.
Two, they don't like paying car parking charges.
Three, their receptionists are surly and bad tempered.
Four, ITN news says that they are the same.
There you have it! conclusive proof that your doctor maybe, at some time in their life, may have thought, that the invasion of Iraq, might have been a mistake and that it possibly might be a good idea if somehow this country would withdraw it's troops in the future.
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This is a satire website. Any story that seems connected
to allegations against the stupid, ignorant, evil, greedy
or bigoted, is purely a coincidence.
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