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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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MORE ENGLISH ASYLUM SEEKERS CAUGHT
 More asylum seekers from England were caught this week trying to illegally travel over the river Loughor.
The asylum seekers claimed to be call centre managers, but were in fact, management consultants and stockbrokers.
So many of these people in recent months have been caught trying to escape the dire situation in England, that there have been calls for tougher policies to stop them coming here. One suggestion is that a tall fence be built all along the river Loughor. Another is that sharks must be stocked in the river.
The asylum seekers are being held, for the time being, at the Reception Centre in Bynea.
STRADEY SCHOOL TEACHER SUSPENDED AFTER FOUR PUPILS DIE OF BOREDOM
 Shock news today that a Stradey School history teacher has been suspended after four pupils died of boredom in one of his lessons.
Fourteen others have been taken to hospital. Five are in a coma while others have have some loss of hearing and speech.
The teacher, who has not been named, has been suspended indefinitely while an external investigation is being carried out. At the time of the incident he was arguing with the pupils over what size boots Napolean wore.
Asked if this was an isolated incident, the headmaster said, "No this happens all the time. We are used to it now. It is very sad about the pupils who have died, but, the others are expected to make a full recovery. The ones that were sitting at the back of the class were the lucky ones. They only had minor injuries".
TRIMSARAN DESTROYED AS PEMBREY MOUNTAIN ERUPTS AGAIN
 The warnings of the past few weeks proved correct, as yesterday’s events unfolded.
At 12 noon Pembrey Mountain, which had been dormant for years, finally erupted in a huge explosion, which sent red-hot lava and smoke thousands of feet into the air. Hours later, the lava had completely smothered the village of Trimsaran.
Some shocked residents had been taken earlier to special camps near Kidwelly, but, for many, it was too late.
An eyewitness, farmer Ivor Subsidi, said, "First there were mountains of smoke, then mountains of fire, then mountains of lava, then there were mountains of bodies. Mountains sometimes do that, you know. The lava missed my land by about fifty yards, but I will still be making an insurance claim".
Latest News: Trimsaran Carnival Cancelled. More Next Week.
BIG CAT TERRORISES THE TOWN
 There were scenes of mayhem in the town yesterday as the dreaded big cat, that has been so much in the news recently, finally showed it self.
Stepney Street and Cowell Street were cordoned off by police while the beast attacked the Pugh Brothers Store then the offices of a local newspaper.
People ran in panic as the cat moved on to Murray Street, Station Road and New Dock Road.
The big cat finally left the area after it’s owner opened a new tin of Whiskas.
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LOCAL MAN SETS UP NEW "HEARTS" SCHEME
A local man has set up a new money losing "Hearts" scheme in the town.
Evan Wideo told us, "This is a new chance for the people of Llanelli to lose lots of money. This is not like the old Hearts scheme, for instance it is not called Hearts. So many local people dug themselves into a financial hole last time, I decided to call this scheme: Spades".
Asked how much money people will have to put in to the scheme, Mr Wideo said, "As much as they like, the more the better, but they better be quick I will not be in Llanelli much longer. I will be setting up a new scheme in Barbados".
SWAN HOLDS DUCKS HOSTAGE AT PENCLACWYDD
 A swan is holding over a dozen ducks hostage at the Wildfowl Centre at Penclacwydd.
Reports suggest that the swan is fed up of people looking at him and taking photos.
A spokesman for the Wildfowl Centre said, "It is a very tense situation. A swan has been holding the ducks hostage for a few days. He is demanding the closure of the Wildfowl Centre to people and that no charges be brought against him. I cannot comment on the rumours that he wants a fast car to enable a getaway".
This is the latest incident at the centre in the last few months to question the security there. Last week there was a mass breakout by some cormorants.
POLO MINT ADDICTION RISES BY 30%
Local Police reported yesterday that Polo Mint addiction has risen by an astonishing 30% over the last year.
This shocking rise has been attributed to the activities of East European Polo Mint smugglers in the town. Polo Mints, or to give them their street name, "Holes", are freely available in local pubs and night clubs. One night club, Chipperfields, has been raided by the police no less that 5 times over the past month.
The results of this addiction have been plain to see. Addicts wandering the streets with glazed eyes and stumbling speech. Of course, the end result of this addiction has been seen in the number of overdoses in the town lately. Local undertaker, Dai Eventuali, said, "It is very sad, these people have just thrown their lives away".
The Polo Mint addiction clinic in the town has just announced a new scheme whereby addicts can exchange their Polo Mints for Tic-Tacs. Whether this is one of the solutions to the problem remains to be seen.
Editor's Note: I, unfortunately, have been struggling with a Polo Mint addiction for some years. I recently joined P.M.A. (Polo Mints Anonymous), they have helped me cope. Please call them if you have a Polo Mint problem.
LOCAL COUNCIL BANS GIRAFFE HUNTING
At a meeting of the Local Council last week, it was decided to ban the hunting of Giraffes in the County.
This welcome measure is seen as a victory of the anti-hunt protestors, who for years have been protesting at the hunting of Giraffes.
The Giraffes escaped into the wild from the Retired Police Giraffe compound in Park Howard. There, for years they have lived in peace without the fear of being hunted.
Police on Giraffe-back were a common sight in the town, years ago. The police here, had a distinct advantage over other towns who chose to have their police on Horse-back.
Many people in the town regret the decision to retire them, as they still think they would be a useful weapon against very tall criminals.
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This is a satire website. Any story that seems connected
to allegations against the stupid, ignorant, evil, greedy
or bigoted, is purely a coincidence.
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