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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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LLANELLI BIDS FOR 2012 OLYMPIC GAMES
Councillors confirmed, this week, that the town will bid to host the 2012 Olympic Games.
They are said to be "very confident" that Llanelli’s bid will win. It is the first time that the town has entered into the bidding process for a major games.
Council leader, Muriel Chippings, said, "This is a great day for Llanelli, we are sure that when the Olympic Committee see the facilities we have in the town and the plans for a new 40,000 seat stadium at Llanerch fields, they will award the 2012 games to Llanelli".
"As well as the new stadium for the athletics, we have all the facilities for the other sports. Such as, boxing, judo and wrestling in Station Road, shooting at Penclacwydd Wildfowl Centre, watersports in Carmarthen Bay(when the tide is in), gymnastics and jumping through hoops in the DSS and council grant offices. For the equestrian sports the competitors do not need even, to bring their own horses, we have plenty in Morfa and Machynys".
"For the athletes accommodation, a new Olympic village will be built on the site of the Old Castle Tinworks. We hope the old building, which was scheduled to be demolished in 2001, will have gone by then. All in all, Llanelli has all the facilities that any Olympic Games Committee would want in a bidder".
"Since we intend to use most of the facilities already here, we estimate the cost of hosting the Olympics, to be around £35,000. This will, of course, depend on the estimates the local builders give".
WEAPONS OF MA'S DESTRUCTION
A report out today suggests that local women in their mid 40s are becoming increasingly addicted to Cadburys Creme Eggs.
The report says that families of these women are being torn apart. Communication between the women and their families are being severely curtailed. Some of the people interviewed for the report said that the women either only communicate in grunts or in short phrases, such as, "Me Bed", "Me Work", "Me Eat". The tensions were mainly felt as the weekend drew near, when the weekly shopping was about to be done.
Some of the women are reported to have regularly gone into ASDA and filled their trollies full with Creme Eggs, shouting, "All Mine! All Mine!", at the top of their voices. One woman has re-mortgaged a house, so that she can buy more Creme Eggs.
The Citizens Advice Bureau has been inundated with pleas of help from worried families, driven to to the point of break up by the womens behaviour.
A spokesperson for Cadburys, the makers of the Creme Eggs said, "It is a shame that these women are behaving like this, but we are not to blame in any way for this situation. I blame their upbringing. Listening to all that David Cassidy and Donny Osmond music in their teenage years must have warped their minds somehow".
CATHOLIC CHURCH VOTES TO ALLOW LAP DANCING NUNS
 Local Catholic church members have voted unanimously to allow lap dancing nuns in the area.
The extraordinary vote was the result of a report that showed the popularity of the church to be under threat from other activities.
Monsignor Richard Grimaldi said, "We have, for some time been worried about the state of the Catholic church in Llanelli. Because of that, we have decided to have the local nuns, take lap dancing lessons. The lessons will enable the nuns to go around the pubs and clubs in Llanelli, spreading the good word about all that the church can offer in this modern society".
One of the first lap dancing nuns will be, Sister Dominica of the Immaculate Distraction. She is said to be very excited about the opportunity, to show all that Catholics have to offer Llanelli. She is due to appear at "Stamps" in the next few weeks.
"BIN LADEN WAS MY LOVER", SAYS ULRIKA
 Ulrika Johnson has claimed, in her new book, that Osama Bin Laden was her lover, when he studied in England in the 1980’s.
Ms Johnson, 45, the well known Swedish born TV personality, has written a new book in which she reveals all about her past lovers, including, Diego Maradona, Boutros Boutros Galli, The whole of the Saracens rugby team(1991-93), John Prescott and well known bon vivre, Patrick Moore(Editor: shouldn’t that be Patrick Mower?).
Ulrika claims that when they met at Oxford University in the 1980’s, he enticed her, with his charming personality and had his wicked way with her. "Everybody knows how evil Bin Laden is now, but then he was very charming and kind", said Ulrika.
In her next book, Ulrika, will reveal all about her childhood, including her life as child labourer in Uganda, a stunt double for Jodie Foster and her growing obsession to emulate the deeds of Mother Teresa of Calcutta.
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HUNDRED NEW CALL CENTRES FOR CARDIFF
Cardiff-Itis strikes gain! the WDA has announced that there will be a hundred new call centres built in the Cardiff area over the next few years.
There were worries that the call centre industry was on it’s way out after the recent closure of the Pembroke Dock and Ammanford centres, but this shows that there is an increasing demand, but only east of Bridgend.
Spokesperson for the WDA , David Roe-Boat, said, "These centres will be a massive boost to the economy in Cardiff Wales. They will all be linked to each other to provide shared resources and data. The main business of the companies that will move in to these new premises is, call centre promotion".
"These companies will be telephoning other companies to encourage them to set-up new call centres. They will then help in the employment and training of the staff and receive grants from the WDA to do so. This is the future for Cardiff Wales, we should all make sure that these companies succeed. Only then can Cardiff Wales prosper in the 21st century".
COUNCIL BANS LINE DANCING
 A town’s prayers were answered, today, when Carmarthenshire County Council decided to ban Line Dancing.
From now on, it will be a crime punishable by two months imprisonment or a fine of £500, for any Line Dancing that takes place in the county. The new law defines Line Dancing as,"two or more people dressed in cowboy outfits in syncopated movement dancing to country and western music".
This has been a great day for the council. Already plans are being made to put up warning signs in all clubs and halls in the town, along with leaflets printed and sent to potential law breakers, or should that be achey breaky law breakers(groan!).
The council have organised a cowboy hat and boots burning ceremony in the Town Hall Square, this Thursday at 6 PM, so that past and present Line Dancers can repent their evil perverted ways.
PARDON ME BOY,
IS THAT THE CAT THAT CHEWED THE CHOO-CHOO
 The big cat, that terrorised the town a few months ago, returned with a vengeance, yesterday afternoon, when it attacked the Swansea to Llanelli train at Llanelli railway station.
Shocked passengers quickly evacuated the train as the big cat was spotted approaching from the New Dock Road area. The cat then attacked the train, throwing the coaches up into the air and crushing them with it's mouth. Staff at the railway station were nowhere to be seen - they all go home after 1pm.
Army units were called in to the area, but by the time they arrived, the big cat had left in the direction of the Morfa. No passengers of the train were hurt, but the driver was taken to Prince Phillip hospital suffering from shock. The conductor had minor injuries.
This is the second time that the dreaded big cat has caused havoc in the town. Where it will strike next, nobody knows, but according to experts, it will only be a matter of time.
LAURENCE LLEWELYN-BOWEN SIGNS FOR CARDIFF RUGBY CLUB
The latest sports news, today, is that Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has signed for Cardiff Rugby Club for next season.
This comes as no surprise to those in the know in Welsh rugby, like Mike Hall, who have been predicting this for the last few months. Cardiff have recently signed a few top class rugby players after the restructuring of the Welsh rugby clubs was announced a few weeks ago.
Cardiff spokesperson, Peter Pyeman, said, "Laurence will be a big asset to the club. He will be partnering Craig Quinnell in the second row. This will give us a bit more aggression in the forwards, as opposed to this season, where our pack did not perform as we thought they would in the big matches".
Along with new singings Craig Quinnell and Ben Evans, Llewelyn-Bowen will give the Cardiff team a better chance of success in next seasons competitions, which will go some way to make up for the disappointing, some say abysmal, some say godawful, some say they shouldn't have bothered turning up, performances this past season.
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