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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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TORIES SAY "NOT ENOUGH POOR PEOPLE IN LLANELLI"
A report by local Conservatives says, that there are "not enough poor people in the town".
Author of the report, Richard Richards, said, "This report shows that all the hard work by Conservative governments to increase poverty in Llanelli and elsewhere, has, since 1997, been undermined by the Labour government".
"We have clear proof that, although our party decimated the steel and coal industries, there are still not enough poor people in the area, to make middle class people feel more special".
"We are very disappointed in the present governments policies, especially the minimum wage. After all, before 1997 local employers could pay everybody peanuts and get away with it. Now they are forced to pay the minimum wage. Employers are really suffering".
"We need to re-double our efforts, as a party, if we are going to win the next election and once again see the number of poor people rise and rise to an acceptable level, so all of our supporters can feel better about themselves".
"NOB JOKES NOT FUNNY", SAY FREED IRAQI EUNUCHS
Iraqi eunuchs who worked in Saddam’s harem, complain that the British soldiers who freed them, are making fun of them, according to our reporter in Iraq(eye-rack).
Spokesperson for the Eunuchs, Mustapha Shufti, said, "Ever since they freed us from the harem in Basrah, the soldiers have been telling 'nob' jokes. They do not take into account our circumcisions circumstances. We have suffered enough in our lives. This is the final indignity".
"We must be proud again and show them some 'balls'. They are in a jar in the tent, I will show them to you shortly".
This is the latest incident in the on-going chaos in Iraq, since the war ended, fuelling disquiet in the UN, over the treatment of the Iraqis.
WOMEN ONLY CAR PARK A SUCCESS
 A women only car park, set-up as an experiment by Carmarthenshire County Council, has been a success, according to Councillor Diane Coventry, the person who first suggested it.
"It has been a superb achievement by the council", she said today. "We had set this up to enable women to feel safe and secure when parking their cars in the town centre. We had no idea that so many women would use it. We can feel proud that we have contributed to the quality of life of women in Llanelli".
The idea was prompted by the comments that men made, when observing women parking cars in the town. Some said the women would be better off having a car park of their own.
The council now plans to build similar car parks in Ammanford and Carmarthen.
YIPPEE! CARDIFF LOSES OUT IN CITY OF CULTURE BID
 At last, Cardiff-itis has been shown not to have spread to the rest of Britain, when this week, the city's bid to become European Capital of Culture for 2008, failed.
This welcome(for the rest of Wales) news is seen as a blow to the capital city’s almost unbearable self-importance. Which has meant huge parts of the rest of Wales being ignored, in favour of pretentious, grandstanding, showy, as well as costly, private and public investments in the Cardiff area.
The leader of Cardiff council said, "We are very disappointed at the decision that the judges made. I think it was a mistake to show them around the city, especially when there was a head-butting competition going on in Queen Street, at the time. I know that didn’t help our cause. Neither was the unfortunate incident when a drunk puked all over the leading judge".
"We congratulate Liverpool, in their efforts to be a European Capital of Culture for 2008 and look forward to observing their city, to see whether they will make a mess of it or that some burglar will steal it".
The other shortlisted cities were, Birmingham, Bristol, Newcastle-Gateshead and Oxford.
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NIL POINT FOR UK IN EUROVISION SONG CONTEST
The UK entry in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest came a decidedly pathetic last with the dreaded "Nil Point" - zero points.
For many years UK music pundits have made jokes about other countries, such as Norway, gaining "Nil Point" in the contest, but now it is dear old blighty’s turn to eat humble pie and hang it’s head in shame.
The UK entry, "Maybe, might be, sometime in the future", performed by Blair-Brown, was received with very little enthusiasm by the audience in Latvia. Time and again, during the performance, you could hear groans and snores from the auditorium. The compare of the show, Latvian, Luganskas Levitabalus, said, "We have heard these sorts of songs before, they are old hat to us, very boring".
The winner was, Sertab Erener from Turkey, with the song, "We are not militarists, please let us join the Euro", which wowed the audience with it’s "oompah" military(oops) beat. Belgium were second and in third place were controversial Russian group, Tatu, with their entry, "Carpet eaters are human too".
FISHING, WITH THE EX-IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER
 This week, I would like to talk about fishing for sea bass.
There are two ways of catching them. There is the infidel way of using a rod and line and there is the way that allah has given us to destroy them all. Go down to your local market and purchase a few rocket propelled grenades(rpgs). Then pick your spot on the shore and wait for the tide to come in.
While you are waiting, why not read some passages from the koran to fill your belly with fire.
When the tide has come in, shoot the grenades into the sea and allah will reward you with a bountiful catch.
Next week, I will tell you how to catch salmon using a helicopter gunship. Allah be with you.
SADDAM CAPTURED AT LAST
 The American forces in Iraq have announced that they have captured former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, at last.
U.S. forces spokesperson, Tim Timiny, said, "Saddam Hussein was captured by U.S. forces, this morning, 30 miles east of the Syrian border. He was, at the time, disguised in a donkey suit, which subsequently was found to have been imported from Bulgaria before the war started".
"A patrol of soldiers from the 51st Airbourne received information from a farmer, that there was a donkey behaving strangely about a mile away from them. They then proceeded to the area and examined the donkey. The donkey was found to have been eating Quality Street chocolates(Saddam’s favourites) and there was a trail of wrappers heading back in the direction of Tikrit".
"The donkey then confirmed that he was Saddam Hussein, asked for a carrot and gave himself up. He has been taken to a special interrogation centre in Qatar, where he will face questions about the conduct of the war and the supposed whereabouts of the weapons of mass destruction".
COED CAE SCHOOLBOY SUSPENDED FOR HAVING IDS HAIRCUT
 A Coed Cae schoolboy was suspended from school, this week, for having a haircut the same as his hero, Conservative Party leader Iain Duncan Smith.
Richard Lewis, 15, went to school on wednesday morning and was told to go home immediately, by the headteacher.
A school spokesperson, said, "We had no choice to suspend Richard. His haircut clearly contravened the school rules on these matters. I know Richard is an excellent pupil, as far as doing well in the various subjects taught, excels in sport and his behaviour is good, but the most important thing, as far as the school is concerned, is discipline".
"No matter how good academically a pupil is, he or she must conform to the school’s idea on what a pupil should look like. This will make it easier for them, when they leave school, to accept their future employers various prejudices about appearance.".
The "IDS" or "TOSSA" haircut is being increasingly blamed for the breakdown of discipline in some schools.
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or bigoted, is purely a coincidence.
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