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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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FATE OF CHRISTIANITY TO BE DECIDED ONCE AND FOR ALL
 The fate of christianity is to be decided, in an unprecedented boxing match between Pope John Paul the Second(the Excommunicator) and the Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams(the Terminator).
This astounding contest was arranged, this week, to find out which religion, Catholic or Protestant, is to be recognised as the superior Christian faith for the rest of eternity. Ending once and for all, the arguments between the religions over the last 600 years.
It will be the first time that a Pope and an Archbishop of Canterbury have gone head to head, or mitre to mitre, in such a contest. Both men are said to be confident about the outcome and looking forward to "kicking some heretic ass".
There are rumours that various companies are fighting to be sponsors and advertisers at the boxing match. The strong favourites are said to be, Nike, Pepsi and Haridons(the makers of nuns habits). The fifteen round match, refereed by Nelson Mandela, will take place at a neutral venue, the Amsterdam Arena, on the 6th of June of next year. Tickets will be available at every church.
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ROBIN COOK ELECTED NEW IRAQI PRESIDENT
The new Iraqi Parliament has elected Robin Cook as it’s new President.
Mr Cook, who recently escaped having his DNA deconstructed, under the G-Gnome project, is said to be very pleased by the vote, but will not accept the job.
"I know it’s a great honour", said the diminutive ginger person, "but I cannot become President of a country that is in such a chaotic mess and where there is so much poverty. That's why I gave up my ambitions to be Prime Minister of the UK".
This is the second time in a few weeks that Robin Cook has been honoured. Last week, he was voted the sexiest person in Larnarkshire, Scotland.
Mr Cook resigned as UK Foreign Secretary before the war in Iraq, because he was unhappy dropping his trousers and bending over, when meeting the US Ambassador.
SARS STRIKES WELSH SPORTSMEN
By Dr Stephen James Our Engineering/Health Reporter
News is emerging of an Assembly cover-up of a disease that has swept through Welsh sport, causing widespread mediocrity and, in some cases, abysmal performance. The cover up came to light during recently crowned world snooker champion Mark Williams' post match interview, aired live on BBC television. Williams revealed that he had spent most of the match "shitting himself", particularly the sessions in which opponent Ken Doherty ate into Williams' lead.
Investigations by the Llanelli Scar lead to a source in the Welsh Assembly, who revealed that Williams was suffering from Severe Acute Rectal Syndrome, a debilitating disease related to dysentery. Severe Acute Rectal Syndrome is believed to have originated in Mid Wales, crossing from sheep to humans because of their close relationship in this region. The Assembly source indicated that the disease has plagued Welsh sports people over the last eight months, and that the Assembly had been desperate to prevent any leaks that might have caused it to be splattered across the front pages.
Severe Acute Rectal Syndrome causes a dramatic loss of form, lasting for up to 80 minutes, generally reoccurring on a weekly basis. Williams suffered bouts during the second and third sessions of his nail-biting encounter with Doherty. Williams' coach, Llanelli's own Terry Griffiths, exhibited symptoms of the disease when caught on camera during the final, pacing up and down and being unable to sit still.
Severe Acute Rectal Syndrome has claimed a number of high profile victims in Welsh rugby, including the Swansea, Cardiff and Newport squads. The National squad was also hit. Llanelli RFC escaped the worse of the outbreak until their European 1/4 final clash with Perpignan, when a number of the team were affected during the 1st half. The WRU has denied claims that the hastily adopted provincial system was a desperate attempt to contain the disease.
Welsh soccer has not escaped unscathed. Swansea City have spent the majority of the year trying to limit the effects of the infection. The Welsh National soccer team was spared because most of the squad play their football outside Wales, and because of the extreme measures taken to disinfect the Millennium Stadium before matches and training sessions.
There are indications that the disease has spread into political circles, which may account for Plaid Cymru's performance in the recent elections. When the Scar contacted Plaid's offices for a comment, we were told that the spokesperson was indisposed.
As yet there is no known cure, and fears are growing for the fate of Glamorgan CC over the summer months.
JOHN PRESCOTT DENIES BEING HOOKED ON ECSTASY
 In an exclusive interview with our political reporter, Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott has denied rumours in the tabloid newspapers, that his increasingly erratic behaviour is because he is hooked on ecstasy tablets.
Mr Prescott, there have been rumours in some of the tabloid newspapers that you are hooked on ecstasy, is that true?
B******s, I don’t where they got that f*****g story from, they must be all drunken f*****g retards.
So you deny it?
Damn f*****g right, I deny it. It’s all a load of b******t. Some of these reporters must be f*****g mental.
Well there must be some truth in it, otherwise they wouldn’t have printed it?
No f*****g way, what sort of f*****g t**t do you think I am? That f*****g poser Blair, put you up to this didn't he?
So you categorically deny taking any ecstasy tablets at all?
Yes, f*****g yes, are you f*****g deaf?
So what do you think is causing your current erratic behaviour?
F*** knows! Stitch that! you f*****g b*****d!
Thankyou Mr Prescott for this interview.
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FAKING PRIVATE LYNCH
 It seems the dramatic rescue of american soldier, Private Jessica Lynch, during the Iraq war was not all that it seemed.
Private Lynch, a 19-year-old army clerk from Palestine, West Virginia, was captured when her company took a wrong turning just outside Nasiriya and was ambushed. Eight days later US special forces were filmed storming the hospital she was in, to rescued her.
It has now emerged that the whole rescue was stage-managed by the Pentagon, to boost moral when the allies were seemingly bogged down in fighting.
The Iraqi doctors, who treated Private Lynch, have given a full account of what happened. Dr Harith a-Houssona said, "We took Jessica in an ambulance, two days before the rescue, to a U.S. checkpoint, but the soldiers there told us to take her back to the hospital because the film crew had not arrived yet. So we did".
"Two days later, we heard all these explosions and shooting outside. Then two people, who I had seen before in american films, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Stephen Seagal, burst through the doors of the hospital, shooting at everything and shouting 'Take that you Iraqi scum!' When they stopped shooting, Mr Schwarzenegger said, 'Find Jessica, Lassie' and this dog started to run around the hospital. It stopped when it found the bed that Jessica was resting in".
"Then a man shouted, 'Cut, lets do that again' and they did everything that had happened, again. We were all very impressed". Another doctor, Dr Anmar Uday, said,"The americans were all very kind to us, they even gave us our own make-up artists, so we could look our best in the film".
"All the staff at the hospital are looking forward to the film coming out on DVD, it will look spectacular".
ANNE ROBINSON TO BE EXECUTED NEXT MONTH
 After many months of deliberation, the Welsh Assembly has decided to execute Anne Robinson, next month, for the offensive comments she made about Welsh people.
The execution will take place at the Millennium stadium in Cardiff, in front of 80,000 people and millions of TV viewers.
She will be beheaded by a specially appointed axeman from Bulgaria. After the execution, her head will be stuck on a pike on the Severn bridge, as a warning to others.
A spokesperson for the Welsh Assembly said, "It will be interesting to see whether she will still be winking, after her head is cut off".
Also, to be punished on the same day, will be that overgrown schoolboy zenophobe, Jeremy Clarkson, who has made similar comments in the past. He will be given 200 lashes of the "cat of nine tails" and he will have the camshaft of a 1971 Triumph Spitfire rammed up his a**e.
Another person who has made anti-welsh comments, journalist A.A. Gill, is said to have escaped arrest and is now living in exile in Argentina.
BLAIR SENDS BIGGLES TO FIND WMDS
 Prime Minister, Tony Blair, is to send his boyhood hero Major James Bigglesworth DSO, DFC, MC (Biggles) to search for Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq.
After serious doubts have been raised about the evidence that was presented to the British people about the weapons before the Iraq war, Tony Blair has decided to, once and for all, prove to the country that they exist.
A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said,"He has taken the extraordinary step of calling Biggles out of retirement, because he is sure that he is the only person that can settle this matter. The Prime Minister is confident that the Major will be successful in finding the WMDs. If he can’t find them, no one can". He would not comment on the rumours that George W Bush is sending Scooby Doo.
Unfortunately Biggles’ companions, Ginger and Algy, will not be with him on this important mission. They were killed fighting the Taliban in Afghanistan.
PUNCTUATION EXPERT IN A COMMA AFTER COLON OPERATION
 Well known Llangennech born punctuation expert, Willy Dotit, is seriously ill at Prince Phillip Hospital, after a colon operation.
A spokesperson for the hospital said, "Mr Dotit lapsed in to a comma after a routine colon operation, yesterday. We later found that one of the brackets on the oxygen cylinder interfered with the flow of oxygen to the patient. We are deeply sorry for this incident. On the minus side, there might be some slight temporary brain damage, on the plus side, we expect the patient to overcome this and return to full health".
Hopes of Mr Dotit’s recovery are not yet dashed. The hospital expects him to make a full recovery, although there is still a question mark over the hospital’s behaviour in this matter. This is the second incident in a week, since the hospital’s budget was slashed. The hospital has said, "There is no crisis, here - full stop".
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This is a satire website. Any story that seems connected
to allegations against the stupid, ignorant, evil, greedy
or bigoted, is purely a coincidence.
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