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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
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BALD MAN GROWS FULL HEAD OF HAIR WAITING FOR TRAIN
 Local man, Richard Samuels, who has been bald for the last ten years, has grown a full head of hair whilst waiting for the Llanelli to Tenby train at Llanelli Railway Station.
Mr Samuels said, "I have tried everything over the last few years to grow hair. Potions, lotions, pills and sprays, but nothing has grown, until I waited for that train".
"My wife says that I look like a new man. It’s a miracle. I can’t thank the train operators enough".
A spokesperson for Wales and Borders Trains, said, "We are very pleased that Mr Samuels has had a pleasant experience using Wales and Borders Trains. We recommend our services to all follicley challenged people as well as insomniacs".
A NATION MOURNS AS TOM JONES' SPERM COUNT DROPS TO ZERO
 There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, or gums by his older fans, in the valleys of Wales, this week, when it was revealed, by his doctor, that Tom Jones’ sperm count has dropped to zero.
His fans, some of which have followed his career since the 1960’s, have been sending their condolences to the great man, who is said to be devastated at the shocking news.
In an exclusive interview, Tom’s doctor, Delilah Morrison, said "Tom is feeling gutted at the moment, but he knew this day would come eventually. He said to me, 'Why, why, why Delilah'. I told him that’s it’s not unusual at his age".
"I also, asked him why he hasn’t taken the pills that I prescribed for him that boosted his sperm count. He said, 'Forgive me Delilah, I just couldn’t take any more'".
"He became very upset when I told him. He called me a 'Daughter of darkness' and stormed out of the room, muttering 'Mama told me not to come'. It is a very sad situation".
A remembrance service, for Tom’s sperm count, will be held at Llandaff Cathedral in Cardiff, next Tuesday at 11am. Flags around Wales will be at half mast(like Tom) for the foreseeable future.
PARASITE AND SON OF PARASITE VISIT WALES
 On his only official engagement to mark his 21st birthday, William Windsor visited wales, this week, with his father, Charles.
At Bangor Railway Station , they were treated to some formation bowing and scraping, by the local population. In Anglesey food fair they sampled some local produce and some typical ordinary Welsh food. "What, no quail’s eggs", William was heard to mutter. Pensioner Mary Watkins, who waited(wasted?) two-and-a-half hours to see William, said: "It's the first time I've seen Prince William and he is so like his mother. Not that he is a bullemic two-timing tart, but you know what I mean".
In south Wales, William and Charles visited Newport Action for the Single Homeless (Nash) centre. Where they spent two hours asking homeless people, "What do you do" and various other patronising questions. Derek Lewis, a resident said, "William asked me if the cardboard boxes that I sleep in, are expensive, I told him, 'not if I nick them'. He then reported me to the police, b*****d".
They then visited Cardiff, where they were shown various places around the city, where there might be somebody sober enough to wave to them. They were out of luck. They then went back to Windsor by train.
UK LAUNCHES "BRAIN CELLS FOR THE USA" APPEAL
In an announcement, today, various UK charities have decided to set up an appeal for the donation of brain cells to be sent to the USA.
They have been alarmed at the extraordinary decrease in brain cells amongst the population of the USA, especially since the year 2000, that was revealed in a report by the World Health Organisation.
Spokesperson for the appeal, Richard Branson, said "We, like most people in the UK, have been shocked at the decrease in brain cells amongst the US population. There have been many instances over the last few years, this has had a dramatic effect on behaviour. So, we have decided to set up the 'Brain Cells For The USA' Appeal".
"Donations of brain cells will be taken, using a painless procedure, at every doctor’s surgery and hospital. We urge people to give generously."
"When the cells have been donated, we will quickly ship them to special medical centres in the USA. While they are in transit, they will be kept alive by exposing them to various literature, such as the US Constitution. Although, this doesn’t seem to have any effect on right-leaning cells, they die very quickly".
A spokesperson for the US Surgeon General’s Office said, "We welcome this badly needed help from the people of the UK. The problem of brain cell depreciation is growing at epidemic proportions, especially in the southern states, like Texas and Florida. We haven’t seen anything like this since Ronald Reagan was president".
Another conclusion in the same report, said that as the brain cells decreased, the cells active in the mouth muscles, increased. WHO scientists are studying whether this will continue.
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ANDY PANDY TELLS ASYLUM SEEKERS, "TIME TO GO HOME"
 Andy Pandy has been very naughty, hasn’t he children. He has joined the British National Party. Do you know who they are? Andy Pandy says they want to send all asylum seekers back home. They are very silly people, aren’t they, children?
Do you know what Teddy thinks of them? Teddy is upset with Andy Pandy. He calls him a fascist b*****d. Poor Teddy, he is so obsessed with political correctness. Do you agree with Teddy, children?
Looby Loo is also upset with Andy Pandy, but not for the same reason as Teddy. Do you know what she is upset about? Andy Pandy has been staying out late, with his right wing friends and coming home swearing, being sick all over the furniture and calling Looby Loo, a whore.
Naughty Andy Pandy! Do you think he should be punished, children? We know a song about that, don’t we...
TORIES DEMAND REFERENDUM ON REALITY
Tory leader, Iain Duncan Smith, has demanded that the government set a date for a referendum on the increasing reality, which is taking over people’s lives in the UK.
This comes at a time when a report published by the right-wing think-tank, "Britain For The People Of German And Norman Descent", says that, reality is taking over nearly every aspect of life in the UK.
Speaking at the launch of the report in London, yesterday, Mr Duncan Smith said, "We are alarmed at the progress of reality effecting the lives of the British people. When we joined the European Union, no one could have imagined the impact that reality would have upon the nation. We must assert our country’s right to opt-out of reality and to re-establish our heritage as a beacon of freedom for the rest of the world".
"The British people are fed-up of reality intruding into their lives. We Tories want to go back to a time when, people were happy watching cricket on the village green, drinking warm beer, listening to Arthur Askey on the radio and where cheery working class types doffed their caps to their betters. Yes, that’s what the people of Britain want. People are sick of this continental teddy-boy culture, with it’s jungle music and it’s moral perversions. My god, sex with the lights on and fully nude, who would have believed such a perversion, years ago. They don’t even keep their ties on!".
"We say, enough is enough. We demand that the government bring forth a referendum, as soon as possible, so this great country of ours can decide, this question, once and for all".
ITN REPORTER SACKED FOR NOT SAYING "CONTROVERSIAL" BEFORE EVERY REPORT
 Established ITN reporter, Nina Nana Nini Nunu, has been sacked from her job. She was dismissed, this week, for not saying "Controversial" before every report.
An ITN spokesperson denied this was a harsh decision. "Nina knew the policy of the company, about such matters. We decided to dismiss her after she refused to say 'Controversial' before an important story. She was reporting on a story on the government's plan to give all pensioners free travel passes. She refused to say, 'Controversial Government Plan To Give Free Travel Passes To All Pensioners'. She instead said, 'Government Plan To Give Free Travel Passes To All Pensioners'. That is when we decided to sack her".
When asked about claims made by other media companies, that ITN regularly report stories as "Controversial", with the intention to discredit or undermine, the positions of either the people or organisations involved. He said, "I cannot comment on that, it would be controversial".
DAILY MAIL READERS TO GET FREE BRAIN SCANS
The national tabloid newspaper, the Daily Mail, is to offer it’s readers, free brain scans*.
The offer, which a reader, to qualify, has to collect ten special tokens from various editions of the newspaper, is the brain child(groan!) of Daily Mail owner, Canadian, Conrad Black.
He has been alarmed, in recent years, about the gullibility of the majority of the newpaper’s readers. He said, "It is a disappointment to all of us at the Daily Mail, that our readers believed stories like, 'Blair Betrays Britain At Euro Summit', 'Britain Sold Down the River', 'Asylum Seekers Attack Hundreds Of Pensioners', 'Labour To Kill The First Born In Every Family' and 'Tories To Win Next Election' ".
"So, we decided, in conjunction with BUPA, to offer any reader who collects ten of the special tokens, free brain scans*. No national newspaper has ever done this. So, we are proud to offer this service to our readers".
"We aim to offer our readers more services in the future, such as their own PR person, who will issue a statement every time someone talks to a reader. We also are looking into the possibility of running a new referendum. This time it will urge the government to reintroduce child labour, as a way to promote more family friendly work places".
*Offer limited to those readers who live in the home counties. Offer non transferable.
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This is a satire website. Any story that seems connected
to allegations against the stupid, ignorant, evil, greedy
or bigoted, is purely a coincidence.
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