 |
|
|
|
Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
|
COMFORTING THE AFFLICTED - AFFLICTING THE COMFORTABLE |
|
|
|
|
WELL BUGGER ME - GAY BISHOP APPOINTED
There was outrage, in some parts of the Anglican Church, this week, when the recently appointed Bishop of Reading, was reported to be gay.
The report said that, Canon Jeffrey John, had been a shirt-lifter for 27 years. He was appointed to the post of Bishop, by the Bishop of Oxford, Richard Harries, who is seen as a more moderate, progressive force, in the church.
Leading the opposition to the new Bishop of Reading is, Bishop Cyril Okoracha of Nigeria, who for many years has been an advocate of more orthodox principles in the church, such as, banning women from speaking in church and stringently enforcing celibacy on single priests, by means of the Prince Albert procedure(this is named after Queen Victoria's husband, Prince Albert, who had his appendage pierced, to enable a metal restraint to be attached, to stop an erection).
Other Bishops and clergy have rallied to the defence of the Bishop of Reading, threatening to "scream and scream, until they are sick", if the Bishop is removed. They will take part in a mass "mince" this Sunday in Reading, to show their support.
EFFEMINATE BOYS AND GIRLY GIRLS RUSH TO BUY NEW HARRY POTTER BOOK
There was mayhem in book stores, at the weekend, when the latest Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Endless Drivel, was released.
Bookstores all over the world has been sworn to secrecy about the contents of the book, which is the fifth Harry Potter book written by author J.K. Rowling. The hype surrounding the book over the last few weeks is said by some to be "over the top", for such a worn out idea.
Nevertheless, millions of wimpy children worldwide have bought the book, creating such a mess in book stores, that there were many complaints by the owners of the stores. Said one, "It was like a torrent in here. All the children were wetting themselves with the excitement. We had to call in the cleaners. We were ankle deep in the stuff. Never again, I don't care what the author writes next time, we will not be selling the books, here".
Shares in the Harry Potter publishing company, Bloomsbury, are set to rise high, this week, as well as shares in the company that makes carpet cleaner and other cleaning fluids.
Elsewhere, there was panic in Iraq, where specially imported books went on sale in Baghdad. Thousands were crushed, when somebody said that there was a free banana, with each one.
In the USA, crowds flocked to stores, after rumours spread that there were pictures in the book to help slow readers. In Russia, books were quickly stolen by the Russian mafia and sold on the black market for 6000 rubles each(£1.50).
NEW AOL SOFTWARE TO INCLUDE ERECTION STOPPER
AOL bosses have announced that their new software, which is currently being developed, is to include an erection stopper.
AOL has been under pressure from the US and UK governments, to do something to persuade net users to avoid visiting porn websites.
An AOL spokesperson said, "We have been under tremendous pressure to provide some means of stopping our users viewing porn over the internet. So we decided to include, in the new release of our software, an erection stopper."
"When a user accesses a porn website, they will be given a short electric shock, followed by a loud sound file playing, 'This person is viewing porn! Please throw some water over them!', a message will also flash on the screen. We hope this will be a deterrent to anybody, who accesses such websites, while using AOL".
The Bush administration is said to be "very pleased" that AOL has taken this step, especially, Attorney General, Grupen Fuhrer John Ashcroft, who is said to be "ecstatic".
BUSH TELLS ISLE OF MAN TO DE-LEG OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES
President Bush has told the Isle of Man government that unless it de-legs, the USA will consider the island to be an enemy.
In a press conference, today, he said, "The Isle of Man has been a thorn in the side of western governments for too long. They have disregarded every effort to act peacefully and must be ready to face the consequences of their actions".
"We have conclusive proof that they are developing weapons of mass destruction. Satellite photos clearly show nuclear weapons facilities powered by the Great Laxey water wheel. There are also other WMD factories on the island".
"These three legged pinko perverts must not be allowed to threaten the USA, anymore. They must de-leg within the next few weeks, or be prepared to be attacked".
An emergency meeting of the Isle of Man parliament, the Tynwald, has been taking place. The Manx Information Minister said, "If the Americans invade, we will destroy them all. God will roast their stomachs in hell!"
|
 |
ZOOT ALORS! HENMAN WIMPS OUT OF WIMBLEDON AGAIN
Everybody's favourite loser, Tim Henman, lost his rain-interrupted tennis match, today at Wimbledon, to Frenchman Sebastien Grosjean 6-7 6-3 3-6 4-6. Yet again, he fails to reach the final.
With his usual girly strokes, Henman posed little threat to the Frenchman. Grosjean even had time to make a cup of tea, as Henman struggled to return one serve. He ordered a pizza, on his mobile phone, as Henman ran to return a lob.
The crowd were baffled why he was losing. "After all", some said, "He is British and British is best". Even the die-hard fans on 'Henman Hill'(soon to be renamed, 'Rankers Ridge'), were at a loss to explain how Henman had lost. "We are truly baffled", said one, "The newspapers told us he would win!".
Asked to explain his performance, Henman said, "I don't know what went wrong out there. They said in the newspapers and on TV, that I would win". Asked if his wimpy middle-class upbringing had anything to do with not reaching the finals of major tournaments, he said, "Teddy, teddy, where's my teddy, I must find my teddy".
INTRUDER SPOILS PRINCE WILLIAM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY
 An unwelcome intruder spoiled Prince William's 21st birthday party at Windsor Castle at the weekend.
A garishly dressed frumpy old woman evaded tight security, surrounding the event and got to within 20 feet of the royal family.
Police pounced on the intruder and wrestled her to the floor. They then took her to a waiting police van, in which, she was taken to Windsor police station and held overnight. She was then examined by a psychiatrist the next morning.
Embarrassed police apologised to the royal family and to the public, for this lapse in security. Saying,"We are deeply sorry that this deranged woman got so close to the royal family. The woman, whose name is 'Camilla', will be charged with aggravated trespass, if the psychiatrist says that she is fit to stand trial".
"This is a regrettable incident".
PRESIDENT BUSH IN AFRICA ASKS
"WHY ARE ALL THESE BLACK PEOPLE HERE?"
On his latest photo opportunity trip to Africa, US President, George W Bush, is said to be surprised at the amount of black people, that he has seen.
Meeting with the South African president, today, his first words to him were, "Goddamn, I thought you were white!". Stunned officials of both governments scrambled to explain the words, to a shocked media. "He was misheard", said one of the US delegation. "The President actually said, 'I thought you were right, to take a tougher line on Zimbabwe' ".
This is the latest gaffe by Bush this week. The first was when he visited Goree Island off the coast of Senegal, which used to be the starting point for sending slaves from Africa to the USA, he said, "How many slaves are still here. Can I buy some?".
President Bush is said to be looking forward to meeting "King Kong", who he has admired, since he was a boy in Texas. "I can't wait to meet him". said Bush, "The work he did with Doctor Livingstone, was superb".
BILL O'REILLY AWARDED THE IRON CROSS BY PRESIDENT BUSH
 At a ceremony in the oval office at the Whitehouse, today, President George W Bush, awarded Fox News' Bill O'Reilly, the Iron Cross, for services to the administration.
Five times Nobel Prize winner(according to Fox News), O'Reilly, host of the Fox News show, The O'Reilly Fantasy - The No Fact Zone, is the first journalist(Editor: Journalist?) to be awarded this great honour. He has worked tirelessly, over the past few years, to promote the views of the Bush administration and fellow travellers.
His latest book, which is released next week, "Nuke The Camel Jockeys", has already received superb reviews by literary giants, such as, Rush Limbaugh, Jerry Falwell and the man that writes instruction books for Toshiba DVD players.
A proud Mr O'Reilly, said, "This is a great honour, I hope I will live down to it in the coming years". He has also been given the honourary title of "Gaulieter of Long Island".
President Bush will give out other awards, in the next few weeks, including, the Pentagon Weasel Award for the most timid CNN reporter.
|
|
|
|
This is a satire website. Any story that seems connected
to allegations against the stupid, ignorant, evil, greedy
or bigoted, is purely a coincidence.
|
|
